Hi friends! I’ve been keeping up with blogs, but haven’t been very good about commenting here lately and I definitely haven’t had time to form a logical thought and put it to paper. But I think I’m back, and hopefully things will slow down a bit.
Last week, we had a family crisis on Jonathan’s side of the family. I’m not going to go into details because it is not my business to share, on a public blog, but it was a rough week. All I can say is, we ended up having to take in Jonathan’s Aunt Shirley for the week, who is mentally handicapped, and it was a chore taking care of her. She is in her 50′s so it’s basically like taking care of a very large child – I’m not trying to be harsh, she really does have the mind of a 5-year-old. On top of her mental disability, she also has a rod in her back and can’t see very well, so bath time was interesting without a handicapped bath. Jonathan’s parents have a full-handicap bath, but since she had to stay with us for the week, we had to be extra careful.
I did a pretty good job caring for all week-long, and then yesterday, she pooped in her depends underwear (which is like a diaper for adults). Not once, but twice. I was trying so hard not to vomit all over the place cleaning her up. It was HORRIBLE! Hands down, worst experience of my life. The second time she was sitting on my couch and it went through her underwear. I can’t even tell you how many times I have tried to clean it up – I think it worked, but it will just never be the same to me again.
I was just praying, “Jesus, help me to stay calm.” I was pretty upset with my husband’s family at this point in time. Again, I can’t explain the situation, but, let’s just say, my in-laws are pretty much on my list of people to move FAR, FAR away from. More on that later in another blog!
Friday was also my husband’s 27th birthday! Sadly, I started my period that day, 2 days late. I knew I wasn’t pregnant though because I had negative tests, but one of the first things I said to Jonathan was, “I’m sorry I’m not pregnant for your birthday!” He laughed at me for being silly. It was pretty annoying dealing with Shirley on his birthday and my period. Not going to lie, this entire situation definitely brought out some ugly sides to me and I’m going to need to pray over it because clearly I still need some work done in my heart.
Speaking of my husband’s birthday, I’ve been thinking a lot about the big upcoming day in May, the most dreaded day of the year, Mother’s Day. Last year, I had a horrible, horrible day and all I could think about after that day was, “Next year, I’m going to hold my head high and go to church to worship God on Mother’s Day.” I wanted so badly to attend in 2013, but I had just come home from my Grandfather’s funeral and had ended up eating gluten while out of town and felt too sick to make it. Jonathan bought me a beautiful Mother’s Day card, but no one else in my life contacted me to see how I was doing and I felt alone and depressed. I spent the entire day thinking about me and how sad I felt and alone I felt, and afterwards I realized, even if no one else would care, I know that God cares for me. He deserves my worship and praise, even on the worst days of my life. I might not have a child to hold in my arms, but I have salvation through Jesus Christ, and He is everything I need.
“Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward.” Genesis 15:1
Jesus, is my very great reward.
Since that day last year, I have made the commitment in my heart and mind that I am going to worship the Lord in my church home on Mother’s Day for 2014. Part of me is anxious for how difficult the day might be, but another part of me is excited and knows that God is going to show up big time to make me feel special and loved. If I have learned anything at all in the last three years of dealing with miscarriage and infertility, it is that God is ALWAYS faithful.
As the day starts to get closer, I’m becoming more and more filled with minor anxiety over the day and also a hope of wondering what will transpire on that day.
As I was looking at the calendar and wondering when my period would start for next month, based on the late period right in time for Jon’s birthday, I realized that my period is due to start two days before Mother’s Day. Meaning, I will either be on my period for Mother’s Day, or it could show up late, or I could be pregnant.
I get pretty emotional around the time of my period, probably just from a combination of hormones and also disappointment that I’m not pregnant for that month. The thought of being extra emotional for Mother’s Day really makes me nervous. What if I’m just a sobbing mess and everyone starts to look at me? What if I can’t do it?
And then I also have this fear, that I’m going to get too hopeful for this month. I made a big mistake last night when I calculated my next period. I decided, just for “fun” to look up what my due date would be based on the first day of my last period (Jon’s birthday). I thought, it would be pretty cool, to know that our baby’s life essentially started on Jon’s birthday, ovulation occurred right around my birthday (April 23), and I’d find out in time for Mother’s Day the big news.
When I looked up what my due date would be if we were to get pregnant this next cycle, it showed up: January 16, 2015.
January 16 is the day, that this year, 2014, God gave me the promise for a child. You can read that story by clicking here if you are interested.
As soon as I saw that, I turned to Jonathan and said, “I know I’m going to get super hopeful now this month.” Everything would just work out “too perfectly”.
Also, right after Mother’s Day, I’ll be dealing with my upcoming due date for my 4th baby, Faith. I really haven’t thought too much about it, but I’m sure I’ll feel emotional when I make it closer to the day.
Mother’s Day is also the 3 year marker for this journey of infertility. The last time I attended Mother’s Day service was in 2011, just a few days before the cycle began that led to my very first pregnancy and miscarriage. My last hair cut was also in May 2011, and I feel like my hair has been symbolic of this journey. It’s getting long and messy, and I just really need to cut it all off and start fresh. I just have never got around to getting my hair cut and taking care of myself. I really just think it goes to show how difficult the journey of recurrent miscarriage is. Even something like a simple hair cut becomes an emotional event. A reminder of what life was like, before loss. Am I making any sense?
As beautiful as I think that story could be if I was to get pregnant with our baby this month, and what a great ending it could be to this very long and sad journey, I think that I need to be careful not to put my hopes in a date, in circumstances, or into any other thing. I need to put my hope in God!
With Easter coming up next week, it will be really easy to focus on God. Even today for Palm Sunday, I was thinking of how thankful I am for my Savior Jesus and how excited I am to finally meet Him someday. I don’t think that anything else can overwhelm me, quite like this beautiful time of remembrance for what Jesus did for me on the cross. My heart is just overflowing with wonder at this amazing gift He gave to me and the excitement of knowing, He’s coming again!
But after Easter, comes the preparation for Mother’s Day. I know that Satan will be at work to try to stop me from worshiping God. The fact that I’ve made this commitment to worship God, is going to mean that a warfare is going to begin if I’m not careful to put on the full armor of God and protect myself completely. In preparation for this, I’m going to have to be on top of my game, being intentional in focusing on praying with thankfulness and joy, and abiding totally in Jesus to walk with me through this time.
God has been faithful to walk me through worse times. Spending Mother’s Day among believers in my home church, is not a bad thing. I know that I can have a large group of sisters-in-Christ praying on my behalf for the day. I know that if I break down and cry, someone will be there to hug me and hand me a tissue. And I am a mother. I will rest on the promise of the joyful hope that I WILL see my babies in Heaven.
And no matter what happens, I’m going to be there, with my hands lifted high in praise to the One True King, who is ever faithful to His promises. He will not forget me, and dear sisters, He will not forget you.
Leave me a comment and let me know what your plans are for Mother’s Day. Is it just another day to you, or do you also struggle with the holiday? If there is anyway I can pray for you, please let me know.
Love and hugs to all of you,