Hi ladies, thanks for all of your loving and supportive comments the other day and a big thank you for all of the prayers you lifted up for me. I’m feeling a lot better than I was the other day, though I seem to have my ups and downs. My period is due to start on Wednesday so I think my hormones might be getting the best of me.
Elmo is doing great, the vet examined him and he didn’t appear to have any issues from the chicken bone (if he did even swallow any – we don’t know for sure). She said to keep an eye on him and thankfully he is eating, playing, and feeling great. Thank you for your prayers. For some reason, I thought that if a dog was to eat a chicken bone, it would puncture their organs and they would die. After losing 3 fur babies in the last three years, I was obviously panicked. Elmo is only 2 years old so I’m hoping to have many years left with him. Sweetpea, Pebbles, and Buttercup were all older and died from diseases associated with old age. Though it was incredibly difficult to deal with their losses, I was prepared based on their old age.
Volunteering at the crisis pregnancy center has been interesting. I’ve been in 3 ultrasounds now, and I think I’m starting to get used to it. The first ultrasound I felt quite emotional and had to keep my face in check to make sure I wasn’t showing any emotions, but now I’m just getting used to the images. It is weird though coming from my background of miscarriage, I’m always thinking there isn’t going to be a heartbeat and I’m always shocked when there is. For any of you familiar with my most recent miscarriage history of chemical pregnancies, I did have two pregnancies that made it to 10 weeks where I had ultrasounds in 2011 and 2012. It has been a while since I’ve seen a baby with a heartbeat. Even though chemical pregnancies might be easier because they end earlier and you can move on quicker than a later loss, I actually hate losing my babies before I get to see them on an ultrasound. I loved every moment of my pregnancies with baby Matthew and baby Hope. I loved seeing my tummy grow and getting to hold my tummy for weeks! I loved seeing baby Hope’s heart beat. I hated the horrible devastation that followed their losses – the lifeless image on the ultrasound, the clots and scary amount of blood, the pain of contractions for a week followed by the intense pain of delivery and seeing their tiny body and having no idea what to do with it. But I wouldn’t take back a moment of time I had with them. I will always want more time with my babies, even if it means it will hurt that much more.
The ultrasounds at the pregnancy center have not been difficult to watch, and I’m hopeful that it will remain that way. If it gets too difficult, I can always talk with the center director and tell her it is just too much for me to be in the room for that.
The difficult part of working there currently, however, is having women come in the last few weeks that are as far along in pregnancy as I should be right now with my most recent baby that I lost in February, Grayson. Sadly, the majority of the women coming in that are at this stage of pregnancy I should be, are abortion-minded, meaning they are considering having an abortion. It really makes me sad. Why are they given the gift of life when they are just going to terminate their pregnancies? It just sucks, you know? I don’t like to play the comparison game because it’s not my place to make judgments about other people’s situations that I don’t know anything about, but it is hard to wonder why so many of us suffer through infertility or loss, and others who don’t want to get pregnant, do.
Okay, end of rant. I’m not in control of this fallen world, so I just have to give it up to God, and trust that He knows what He is doing. There might be horrible things happening in the world, but God is working it all out for the good of those who love Him. I’m on the winning team
This month, about two weeks after my chemical pregnancy, I got on my knees in prayer and cried out to God to close my womb and make me infertile. By definition, I am technically infertile, as the inability to carry a pregnancy to term is defined in infertility (which many people are not aware of that fact). I asked God to make it so that I will not get pregnant until He is ready to give us a healthy, rainbow baby. I actually went to God in prayer back in April 2012, with this same request asking Him to close my womb. We ended up using the natural family planning method to prevent pregnancy for quite a long time, not because I didn’t trust God, but because I was being tested for Celiac disease from July to December, and it wasn’t a good idea to get pregnancy while I was still on a gluten diet. We started trying again for two months, I believe, in 2013, and we actually failed both of those cycles and didn’t get pregnant. In April, my husband was injured on the job during a fight with a suspect who bit him on the nose, and it was later discovered that the suspect had hepatitis and Jonathan needed to be tested for the next several months to make sure he didn’t catch the disease. Though it was a small chance, we prevented pregnancy with birth control and condoms for the next several months, before trying again in September. When I got pregnant in September, after my prayer to God asking Him to close my womb, I assumed this was going to be my rainbow baby. I think that’s what hurt the most about that loss. Why was God saying “no” to my prayer to close my womb? It wasn’t like I was asking for a baby, I was asking him to close my womb until it was His perfect time to give us a child.
We again, prevented naturally for the next several months before trying again in January (trying but not “trying”) when again we got pregnant and miscarried. What is going on, my Lord? I have to believe, that He is trying to tell me something. Perhaps I need to have more faith, that could definitely be a possibility. I won’t deny that my faith needs to increase. But maybe, God is trying to tell me something. Maybe there is something wrong with me and He wants me to find out what it is so that I can be healed. Or maybe this is all just a part of my testimony, and God will be glorified through my ability to have faith and believe in Him through the sorrow and suffering. I don’t know.
But the other day, I went to the dog park with Maxi and Elmo and saw a hidden rainbow through the clouds. As I studied the hidden rainbow, I realized it was actually a really big rainbow, in full view. It was forming a rim above the sun. My, it was beautiful and breath-taking. I probably looked like a crazy person staring up at the sun. It sure gave me a headache to look at the sun. But it was gorgeous. I just love God’s creation. I’m always looking up. I can’t wait to see what Heaven will be like someday!
Later in the day, I went to the “human” park without the dogs and spent some time in prayer and read the bible. I first opened my bible to Ezekiel and read a little bit and turned to another spot, only to open to the story of Hannah and the promise of her son, Samuel after infertility. If you read my story back in January, you know that I believe God gave me this same promise after a night of crying out to Him for comfort. I wondered, is this just a coincidence that I opened to this spot again Lord, or are you confirming to me that you gave me this promise? As my time in prayer went on, I had the thought, “You will have a child.” I feel so conflicted wondering if this is from God, or just my own thoughts confusing me. I want to believe that it is from God, because I was in prayer and I started my prayer with, “Speak Lord, for your servant is listening.” I wasn’t hoping to hear some kind of promise from God of a miracle child. I came just expecting Him to speak anything. Perhaps correction or training for service. This same thing happened the night He first gave me this promise, I wasn’t coming to Him seeking for hope of having a miracle baby, I was seeking Him for comfort and living water for my aching heart.
Also, I think it was sometime last year, I can’t remember when exactly, I was sitting in worship watching a baby dedication (my church doesn’t do infant baptism, but parents will dedicate their babies to God). Sometimes, I struggle watching baby dedications, but on this particular day, I was content and happy to watch. The thought came in my head, and it wasn’t like one of my normal thoughts, “This is going to be you someday.” I almost jumped at it because it was such a surprising thing. Of course, I had my doubts, but to this day, it just really seems like it was God speaking, especially since I was in a worship setting and my focus was on God. God speaks in many ways: through prayer, the bible, circumstances, worship, and so on.
I’m trying to tell myself, “stop doubting and believe.” It is just really hard because I don’t want to get my hopes up. I absolutely believe He will give us a child, in His perfect time, but I don’t exactly know when that will be or if we might suffer more losses in the mean time. I just don’t want to get my hopes up, get pregnant again, and think that, this next pregnancy will be my rainbow baby. Does that make any sense to anyone?
I feel like if I didn’t have these promises, I would take a pregnancy test and not feel any hope. But because of these promises, each time I get pregnant, I think, “This could be it! This might be my rainbow baby!” I think that’s why I allowed myself to be excited and hopeful with my 5th pregnancy. And I know, if I see a positive again, I won’t be able to help myself from being hopeful and excited.
It’s pretty exhausting. I just have to keep praying and really cling to God’s word as this journey continues. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know the One who holds the future in His hands.
Hmm, what else to update you ladies on? My marriage is doing so well right now. Jonathan is really trying so very hard to be a loving husband, and I’m trying to shower him with affection, respect, and lots of love. I think we still have a long road ahead, but the fact that we are both willing to work on our marriage is promising, and I have faith that God will work things out for us.
I think I’ve covered everything I wanted to update you guys on, so I’m going to post this and get ready for bed. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.