I keep wanting to write in my blog, but every time I start typing out words, it feels overwhelming. There is so much going on in my life and I don’t even know where to begin or how to really express the way I’m feeling.
So I’ll keep this as brief as possible – I’m sorry that I have been missing the last few months. Life has been busy and when there has been down time, I just didn’t have it in me to find the words to describe what’s happening.
To sum things up, I overextended myself in different ministries. One ministry in particular I’m not even sure how I ended up involved in as I never intended to commit myself to that work. I don’t really know how to describe how that happened, but it did and now I have to follow through with something that feels like a burden. And I feel guilty about it – I should be excited and passionate about what I’ll be doing.
To make things worse, the person that I went into this ministry event with and that convinced me to go along with her decided to quit and left me as the team leader, in charge of coordinating the entire process. She made her decision 2 weeks ago, without talking to me and let me know via email that she was stepping down. It felt like I had been stabbed in the back and I spent the following days crying and hurt that my friend ditched me in something I was already feeling worried about doing.
I was able to pray and take the matter to God and I’m feeling much more at peace now and was able to forgive her and trust that God will help me overcome this obstacle.
And see, this is the point where I would usually stop blogging because I don’t know that anything I just wrote actually makes sense and I don’t know where to go from here.
But I’ll keep going this time, because I love this blog and I don’t want to miss out on the opportunity to share my experiences in every season of my life.
I wish I could say that this ministry is the only area of my life where I’m not feeling joy. But to be quite honest, I’ve started to realize that even as busy as I am, I’m just going through the motions. I’ve been trying for so long to hide the truth from others – so well in fact that I was even in denial myself. I’m depressed. Not like in the way I was during grieving following my miscarriages where I would cry almost daily and struggle to get through each day.
This is different. I don’t really know how to describe it fully in words, but I’ll try: It’s having a desire to change my life, to become a better person, to reach for my dreams. It’s knowing what steps to take to make positive changes in my life. But being too tired to care enough to actually do it. I want a better life, but most days I wake up and just sit in bed for an hour before actually getting out of bed. When I have to be somewhere, it’s easier, but I end up eating out and then feeling guilty for not making time to eat healthy so that I can get better. And when I have free time to relax and do the things I need to be healthier like prepare healthy food and work out, I just zone out and waste that time doing something like watching tv.
And then I feel guilty and worried and I beat myself up over another day of failure.
I kept blaming being over-extended with ministry things, but I think I finally realized something was really wrong with me when I couldn’t enjoy my anniversary with my husband. My grandmother died that week and her funeral was the day of our wedding anniversary. I didn’t feel sad over this though because she was suffering from Parkinson’s disease and my grandfather had passed in 2013. I was happy that she was now in Heaven.
We drove to Corpus Christi for the funeral and my dad wanted to treat us with a special suite hotel room so that Jonathan and I would be able to enjoy our anniversary after the funeral. The hotel room was huge with a beautiful balcony view of the ocean.
Jonathan and I went to the aquarium and ate out and saw a movie. I was trying really, really hard to make our anniversary special and romantic and to enjoy my time, but I just wasn’t able to.
The feeling that I had was a desire to just get back home. As much as my heart aches to enjoy these moments in my life and to cherish this time with my husband, and as I hard as I try to take the steps to do that, I can’t even find happiness in this.
Two of my best friends are getting married in the next few months and I can’t even bring myself to feel excited about any of it. And I feel so guilty over that. I want to enjoy these moments in my life.
I’m going to my friend’s bachelorette party next weekend and I’m just dreading it. That makes me feel awful. I should be excited about a fun girl’s weekend celebrating my friend. But instead, I’m just feeling anxious about how busy next week is going to be and thinking about all of the things I’m going to need to get done and worried that I’ll end up eating out because of my busy schedule and then feel sick and fat and mad at myself. And it all just feels like too much right now.
I know there’s probably someone reading this who doesn’t get it. You’ve never experienced this before. I don’t think you can understand what this is like until you’ve lived through it. Words just can’t really describe what depression is like. I don’t even think I’ve scratched the surface of what I’m feeling.
I have a family member who suffered from depression a little over 10 years ago. It was a severe depression, I’d say probably much worse than what I’m experiencing. They tried to end their life and weren’t successful and thankfully chose to go to therapy the following day. The road to healing was a very long process, but they were able to stop taking medication after a few years and now leads a very successful life. This person went from being a high school drop out to working a very important position in his company. They were able to start a family and now lives a very happy life.
So I know how beneficial therapy can be and how helpful depression medicine can be for a period of time. But I just feel scared. I don’t like opening up to people about what I’m going through. I don’t see how I could handle talking to a stranger about this. And I know that sounds weird because I’m writing about this to a bunch of strangers. But, it’s easier to express myself through writing than face to face conversation.
My parents had a cutesy name for what I’m good at doing: “Sugar-coating my feelings”. I like to cry in private. When the doctor told me our 2nd baby Matthew died, I didn’t cry. I shut my emotions off while I was in that office. The doctor was concerned by my lack of a reaction but Jonathan told her it would come later when I was alone. I don’t even like crying in front of Jonathan, but that day I fell apart as soon as we got inside the car.
It’s funny that people have told me how happy I look or sound when I’ve actually felt completely the opposite. I saw this picture on Pinterest the other day and it reminded me of how good I am at hiding my true feelings from those in my life:
That picture makes me sad. And it makes me think of how many people are suffering silently in the world without anyone knowing it. I didn’t want to share my story with anyone because I’m worried of what people will say or think of me. When you open up, you are more vulnerable to being hurt.
But when I googled “Christians and…._____” depression was the top searched item. “Christians and depression.” How can that be? Everyone seems to be happy when I walk through the church doors. But like the quote above, I have to wonder how many of my brothers and sisters in Christ are hiding their brokenness behind the veil of a beautiful smile.
And as scared as I am to bring my own brokenness to the light and open myself up to receive help, it’s with a great hope and prayer that I believe God will not waste this journey and will use my bravery to reach others who are hurting.
And so I’m taking this small step in faith to start sharing my story and in the coming days to find help to overcome this struggle. I do appreciate your prayers and ask that you comment with grace and compassion. You don’t have to understand what I’m going through to be compassionate, you just need to know that I’m hurting.
“Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”