Life is already moving forward, ready or not. I’m not ready. I don’t even want to get back into my normal daily routine because all I can think about is how I felt fine just one short week ago, and one week later, I feel this huge loss in my heart.
Part of me feels like I’m betraying the baby I just loved and lost to move forward and make plans for the future. I would like to take the time to just simply grieve, but I just have no choice but to look ahead. This is different than a death because this is also an illness. I have to get into the mindset of treating this like the illness that it is, just like I would do with any other medical condition.
And so I’m moving forward, regardless of if I like it or not.
My doctor’s office finally called this morning with my blood work results from Friday and I shared the news that I lost the pregnancy on Sunday. They want me to do follow up hcg blood work on the 20th just to make sure it returns to 0. My hcg on Friday was 15 so I’m sure my doctor figured I was going to miscarry. It was early when they called this morning so I wasn’t prepared to take notes about my blood work. My blood levels (checking my platelets) were in normal range. My thyroid was a normal range and they said a number that I can’t remember now for my progesterone but didn’t say whether it was normal or not. I didn’t question anything because I was still drowsy and unprepared for the phone call and I figured I’ll be discussing all of this and probably getting several more blood testing done with the specialist.
The nurse that I spoke with said my doctor really recommended I get a referral to the infertility specialist at the hospital’s infertility clinic (same center – different part of the building as my obgyn office) and I said that I would very much appreciate my doctor do so.
She called back about 10 minutes afterwards and said my doctor sent over the referral and gave me the direct line to the secretary for the infertility clinic. I called and left a message with all of my information and should receive a call back by the end of the business day to schedule our first appointment. My husband said to schedule it for any day and he would use a vacation day to get off work. What’s amazing about that is a year ago, he would not have been able to get a day off of work for a doctor’s appointment. We could try, but they were always short on officers and it was difficult to get time off without advance warning. When he was on patrol, our entire lives had to revolve around his work schedule. Now that he’s a detective, he has a lot more freedom and it’s not a big deal to get a day off. That is such a blessing to me! I’m thanking God right now that He opened the doors for Jonathan to have this position.
When the voicemail said this is so and so with the “blank” infertility clinic, I started to cry and had to pull myself together. It just really hit home that I’m actually taking a step in this direction and suddenly became even more real. Has anyone else cried over your first phone call or visit to the reproductive endocrinologist? Seriously, share if you have. It will make me feel less crazy.
And now we wait to find out when my first appointment will be. I don’t really have any expectations. I’ll be surprised if they are able to get me in soon. I’m just imagining that I might have to wait a few months. But, who knows? I wish they would hurry up and call. I feel like all I have done the last week is sit around waiting for doctors to call me back. I guess I should probably start getting used to this feeling, huh?
I called my mom afterwards to tell her that I was pregnant last week and now I’m not and that I’m finally seeing a reproductive endocrinologist. My mom was very, very happy to hear that I finally got a referral to meet with a specialist. She already knew that I was talking about going this summer for a different reason than recurrent miscarriage, but she was happy to hear that I have now actually taken the first step. My mom knows me well and knows I can spend a long time talking about something before I actually go through with doing it.
I’ll discuss it more in a future post on why I was already planning to see the specialist before this most recent miscarriage happened, but it doesn’t really relate to what I’m talking about right now so I’m going to move on.
My mom has been going through a hard time the last few years as my grandmother’s (her mother) health is failing and she has been in and out of the hospital. My mom was venting to me and talking about how she hopes she never has to see the inside of a hospital again unless it’s going to see me with my baby in my arms. She said, everyday when she was in the hospital, she would see new families coming out with baby carriers and think about how badly she wants to be able to walk into a hospital room and see me holding her grandchild for the first time. Of course we were both crying as she shared this and I told her I hope for that too. Although it made me sad that my mom is hurting too, it also was nice to hear her open up about how this is hard on her as well as me.
My family has always just worried about me and my health and no one has really shared that they are hurting too over the loss of our children and the loss of dreams for what should be. It felt nice to hear her say that today and know that this doesn’t just affect me and Jonathan – this is hurting our entire family and we are all in this together.
As far as my plans with the reproductive endocrinologist go, I’m not really making any plans. I’m realizing more and more how much I suffer with anxiety and I’m learning that I need to tackle this journey one simple step at a time. It might seem silly, but just calling and making an appointment was a huge step for me. I already feel a sense of relief and accomplishment as ridiculous as that might sound.
Ridiculous or not, I’m embracing this part of my life. I’m not going to pray that God takes away this struggle with anxiety, I’m going to pray that He helps me to learn how to embrace this unique part of who I am and learn to live victoriously with it. I think so often, we hurt ourselves when we look at a struggle and feel like it’s a burden that hinders us from having a good life. A blind person can choose to see their blindness as a negative part of their lives, but that would only prevent them from finding joy. Same with someone who is deaf or missing a limb or even limbs. But isn’t it amazing, that in these instances, more times than not I’m sure, you see people rising above what the world says is a “handicap” and overcoming and sharing amazing gifts and talents with the world.
I saw this inspiring video a few months ago and couldn’t help but to think of my own journey. This video shows Rebekah Gregory crossing the Boston marathon finish line. Watch the video here.
This is the scripture that she shared on her Facebook page on the day she crossed the finish line:
“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.”
2 Timothy 4:7
I cried when I watched that video because I know that God has given me my own set of gifts and talents and unique circumstances and challenges that are going to make my own story one of beautiful victory. And I believe with everything in me, that just like with so many others in the world who have suffered as a result of this fallen world we live in, I will be a light in a dark world to shine Christ’s love and push back the darkness. The loss of my children won’t stop me from fighting for love – it only inspires me to fight even harder and love harder.
This song just recently came out on Christian radio and I am loving it in every way. I think this is my new theme song for my infertility/loss journey:
While my heart is hurting and there is great adversity to overcome, I choose to believe that I will overcome every single struggle I face.
With love and hope,