Today’s post is going to be hard to write because today’s post fills me with excitement and hope, but it also fills me with worry that I’m going to hurt someone reading this.
Today’s post is a pregnancy announcement. Normally, I might want to lead up to a more exciting announcement, but I have lived in this infertility community for too long and I feel it would be heartless to do so. If you are hurting right now and reading the rest of this is going to cause you pain, please, please sign off. You can always check back in with me later when you are feeling better. But if you need to feel peace right now, I completely understand anyone that needs to walk away and stop following my blog to protect your heart. Go do something you love that brings you joy: walk with your dogs, go see a movie with a friend, watch a funny show, whatever. Just don’t feel the need to stick around and read about my happiness if it’s going to make you miserable. The last thing in the world I want is to cause pain to anyone else and it hurts to think that this post is going to be difficult for someone out there who is already hurting. I’m sending you hugs and love if that’s you!
Now to begin with that random announcement that came out of nowhere. I guess not nowhere – this is an infertility blog after all! But, still, it was unexpected to me and maybe even to some of you.
So, I’m pregnant! 4 weeks pregnant to be exact. I don’t even really know where to begin. I guess we’ll start with some updates to my life and how this last month has been going. I meant to blog since my last post, but was occupied with other activities and I really wasn’t quite sure what to blog about to be honest. My best friend was married a month ago and the wedding was beautiful and I was so thankful to be a part of it, but I’m really glad it’s over now. Being a matron-of-honor is exhausting!
The following week I taught VBS at my church and it went well. My grandmother ended up in the hospital after suffering from a minor heart attack so I had to drive out of town to visit her the Sunday before VBS started and I missed the first day of VBS. Thankfully my grandmother is doing much better now and is home from the hospital.
After VBS was over, my husband and I got started back up on our Dave Ramsey budget plan. We spent a small fortune in the two weddings I was in this year and it’s time to get back into our gazelle intense mode and get mad at debt. In the last month we managed to get our emergency savings of $1,000 fully re-funded only to be needed when our car broke down last week. I was just really thankful that we got back on the budget plan when we did or I’m not sure what we would have done. God provides! Now we will work hard again to get that emergency fund re-built and hope and pray that it will stay put for a bit longer this time so we can move on to baby step 2 (paying off debt). Well there is that one little detail of a baby on the way that might slow down baby step #2, but I’m feeling confident we will get that all figured out with time.
So the last few weeks have been pretty boring. My house was completely neglected over the last 6 months so I have spent all of my free time cleaning and organizing. I organized my junk drawer for the first time in like 2 years and it looks amazing! The dollar tree is amazing for organizing containers by the way – check it out. And cooking homemade meals which is very helpful to our budget! So yeah, life is pretty boring when you are living on a budget, but I’m enjoying all of my free time after a very busy season of life.
So let’s get to the fun part of this post: my pregnancy! EEEK! I can’t believe I’m even writing that. Seriously, how exciting!
Jonathan and I weren’t trying to get pregnant this month, but I guess we ended up together at just the right time. I think it was a few days after we were together that I started having some pretty intense cramping that made me wonder for half a second if something exciting was starting to happen. But I brushed it off and moved on to more interesting things, like organizing junk drawers haha. This blog makes me feel even more boring. Oh well.
Last week I was rinsing out dishes in the sink and smelled something funny and started gagging and nearly threw up. It made me wonder if I was pregnant, but I doubted it. But every day after that, I continued to have feelings of queasiness and on the 4th of July, I actually vomited. I still didn’t really think much of it. I was just worried I ate something that was bad.
But on Tuesday, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I should take a pregnancy test. Not wanting to waste money on an expensive test just to see a negative result, I went to the dollar tree. After about a minute or two, I didn’t really see anything on the test. I kind of thought I saw a little something, but convinced myself it was my infertility brain playing tricks on me saying to myself, “You could see a line on anything!” I started to walk away and about a minute later, grabbed the test out of the trash just for one more look. And sure enough, there was definitely a second line now. But I didn’t believe it. I had literally no emotion over that second line.
I convinced myself that it must have been an evaporation line or I just screwed up the test by throwing it in the trash and taking it back out.
Yesterday morning I took another dollar tree test and expected to see a negative result. Within a minute or less, the second line was showing. Cue a little bit of mild excitement! But not much. It’s still just a dollar tree test and I wasn’t about to let such a cheap test get my hopes up.
I went to the grocery store to purchase a digital and a first response line test. I wasn’t going to waste a digital unless I saw a second line on the first response. My store was all out of first response tests so I got the off brand version of it. Thankfully, they did have the clear blue digital.
The off brand first response showed a clear second line so I worked up the courage to take a digital test. I knew I was pregnant, but my fear was that it would just be a chemical pregnancy. And with 2 of my chemical pregnancies in the past, the digital test never showed pregnant. I got out my video camera for this part, just in case.
But I was still convinced it wouldn’t show up pregnant, because, well, I have such a bad history with digital pregnancy tests and the “not pregnant” response stabs you in the heart like nothing else.
I was in complete shock when the test showed: Pregnant.
The last time a test said that was in January 2012 when my pregnancy made it all the way to 10 weeks. It definitely does give me a little bit more confidence that at least this pregnancy is going better than my last 2 that ended right at four weeks.
I cried when it came up showing pregnant and I previously had no response to the other positive tests. But I think, I just really needed to see the digital positive test to believe it’s real. I’m glad I had the camera out so I could capture a bit of my reaction. It’s a really short video because I was speechless and crying and wanted to quickly text my husband the good news.
I sent him this picture:
He was really excited and just as shocked to see that as I was. He told his boss that something came up at home and took the rest of the day off.
We called my doctor’s office to request blood work. I have no desire to test my hcg levels as I know it’s just going to create anxiety in me, but unfortunately I don’t really have a choice. On top of the pregnancy blood testing, I also have to get my blood counts check since I have a history of low platelets during pregnancy. I’m still waiting for a call back from my doctor’s office but they should respond today or tomorrow.
Just calling the doctor’s office today gave me huge anxiety. I almost started crying on the phone because of how worked up I got. But the receptionist on the phone was very helpful and sweet to me and even teased me saying, “You’re not excited are you? I couldn’t tell.” And told me congratulations and best wishes for my pregnancy so that felt good to hear.
When the doctor calls me back I’m also hoping to ask if they can test my progesterone levels and my thyroid. Maybe my doctor can put me on progesterone as a precaution? Any advice would be appreciated. Bah, this is why people see a specialist so they don’t have to be filled with anxiety on how to handle this kind of stuff. Oh vey! And the other issue is that it has been so long since I did any kind of pregnancy/miscarriage related research that I don’t remember everything from before. Yesterday for instance, I ate tuna and then wondered after the fact if that’s allowed. Are you even kidding me? I used to have the list of foods you shouldn’t eat memorized! This all just feels so unreal to me. I really thought we were not going to get pregnant again (or ever) for a long, long time.
I’ll find out for sure after blood work and talking with my doctor to hear her recommendations, but after talking with my husband today, I have decided I’m most comfortable waiting until we reach close to the end of the first trimester for an ultrasound. During my 3rd pregnancy, with baby Hope, we had 3 ultrasounds over the course of my 10 week pregnancy. The first at 5 weeks 5 days, the second at 7 weeks 5 days, and the third around 9, almost 10 weeks. It caused me great anxiety to have a constant series of two week wait periods in between ultrasounds and I was so focused on the ultrasound and what we saw that I couldn’t breath easy during the wait. Following that loss during miscarriage testing, I spoke with my doctor about future pregnancies and shared with her my desire to not have so many ultrasounds in the future. She thought that was a good idea so I’m assuming she will still be okay with me requesting a more specific plan of treatment that I’m most comfortable with. But that was back in 2012! I can’t even believe how long ago all of that was.
I’m hoping that I can get her to wait until we reach 10 weeks for an ultrasound. The doctor’s office has a policy of doing 8 week ultrasounds, but I really feel like that will be a waste of my time. Even if everything is perfect during the 8 week ultrasound, I’m still going to want to come back at 10 weeks, because I didn’t lose my babies until 10 weeks previously. And I know I’m going to have huge anxiety during my 10th week of pregnancy and that ultrasound will be a life saver. After that point, I’m not really sure when I would want another ultrasound. I know for sure I will not want to wait until an anatomy scan or gender reveal because I’ll probably also want to know that baby is still around at the start of my second trimester. So maybe she’ll be willing to do an ultrasound at 10 weeks and then an ultrasound at 13/14 weeks? I sure hope so. But I’ll just try to wait patiently.
For now, I have a long road ahead of me and a nice long wait before I need to get worked up over those details. Right now, I just feel so hopeful but yet at the same time I am terrified that this is all going to be taken away from me and Jonathan in the blink of an eye. I just really, really want to get beyond 4 and 5 weeks and then I think I’ll be able to breath a little bit easier knowing we passed the point of having a chemical pregnancy.
My husband is being really sweet and loving, but he is driving me a little bit crazy. Every time I start to express a little bit of concern, he says, “No! Don’t worry – the baby is going to live. Stop saying anything bad.” I think he’s just so nervous and he’s worried that if I have anxiety and stress it might make things worse. So he’s trying to get me to calm down, but telling me to relax doesn’t really help. What does help is when he talks about the baby and speaks about the future with confidence. It gives me so much hope to know that he is believing for me that this baby is going to stay put.
At the same time, however, every time I let myself dream about the future and get excited for planning for the days ahead, I start to feel like a fraud. Like I shouldn’t really be planning anything because in what world do my pregnancies end well. That makes me really sad and I really think from now on when I start thinking that way, I do need to stop and pray for God to replace those negative feelings with peace. These two verses I think are going to help get me through the first trimester and probably the entire pregnancy if we are being honest. I can’t imagine ever feeling 100% confident.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4:6
“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”
Something that gives me great hope is the scripture I turned to a month ago on the 4 year anniversary of finding out we were pregnant with our first baby and what would have been our second baby, Matthew’s 3rd birthday. I had a negative pregnancy test last month on that day, but I wrote about the hope that God gave me for the future in this post here.
Yesterday after calling the doctor’s office, I was praying about the future appointments and my fear over the ultrasounds. I opened my bible and it turned to Luke, where I read that scripture a month ago. Only yesterday, it was the cover page to Luke. I have a life application study bible and before each book in the bible, it has a cover page giving a summary of what that book is about, who the author is, who it was written too, and so on. On the very top of the page it said, “Every birth is a miracle, and every child is a gift from God.” This was of course leading into the discussion of the miracle or miracles: the birth of Jesus! It was such a nice reminder that just a month ago I read a scripture that gave me hope for the future and not even a month later, God has answered with this precious gift.
My due date for this baby is March 16/17th. I can’t really remember for sure if I started my cycle on June 10 (that night) or the next morning, June 11. As scared as I am that this will all just be a dream that never comes true, I also feel so much hope that we are going to be welcoming a precious baby to the world in March. That will be right after our five year wedding anniversary! I remember spending our very first wedding anniversary having just miscarried our third baby, Hope and wondering how so much loss could happen in just one short year. To think that this time is going to be redeemed and that we might actually be celebrating the coming arrival of our baby on our 5 year anniversary brings tears to my eyes. And March 7 is the day that we started dating in 2007 so March is one of my favorite months of the year. So basically, March is the perfect time for a due date :-)
I’m sure this post is getting way too long so I’ll go ahead and end this here. I do think I will plan to do weekly pregnancy updates on my blog and possibly YouTube. I’ve often debated in my mind if I would do that, but I really think it will be good for me to celebrate each milestone and allow myself the joy of enjoying pregnancy. I’m still thinking about it though – we’ll see if I even have the energy to go there.
Ah, this is exciting! And scary and unknown! But truly, truly exciting.
My heart and love goes out to all of you. Have hope my friends – our stories are not over yet!