Last night and this morning was hard. Today is the 4 year anniversary of finding out we were pregnant for the very first time with our baby, Abiygale, who was also our first miscarriage (just stating that in case anyone is new here. We do not have any living children.) Today is also the would have been due date of our second baby, Matthew, who should be 3 years old today.
Today my period is also due to start, though it hasn’t shown up yet. I took a digital test this morning just to see if maybe, by some miracle, we were pregnant, but unfortunately the test said, “not pregnant.” I cried for a minute, then sat around for a little bit feeling exhausted, texted my husband to tell him it was negative, and then decided to go outside and have some fun at the new dog park in town with my boys.
After the dog park, I stopped by Sonic to get a half-priced drink and the person who delivered my drink introduced herself saying, “Hi I’m Abigail. You ordered a diet coke?” Cue the tears. Thankfully I had sunglasses on. Coincidence that she shared the same name as my first baby in Heaven? Maybe. But I don’t believe in coincidences :-)
On the way home, I was really wishing I would see a rainbow in the sky. It’s been so long since I have and it would give me such comfort to see one on a day like today.
But instead of a rainbow, God gave me something better. I came inside and changed into some pajamas because that’s how I like to roll when I’m home ;-) While I was changing, I was thinking about the negative test and thanking God that although it’s still painful to experience infertility, it’s so much easier to bounce back from a negative than getting pregnant and having loss after loss. I was feeling grateful that although I feel sad today, this pain is easier to move beyond than the pain of a miscarriage. For anyone that experiences infertility and hasn’t had recurrent miscarriages, I don’t want to compare our pain at all. Infertility is devastating and I’m not taking away from the immense sadness of that journey. But I’m sure you can understand where I’m coming from when I say, I’d rather not get pregnant than get pregnant only to lose a baby. Both infertility and recurrent miscarriages are heartbreaking journeys. Different, certainly, but we can’t really compare on a pain scale. Pain is pain, amen?
After thinking about the negative test and trying to find a positive outlook to my circumstances, I decided to open my bible. I opened to the new testament and looked down and started to cry at the page I had opened to:
“But the angel said to him: “Do not be afraid, Zechariah; your prayer has been heard. Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you are to give him the name John. He will be a great joy and delight to you, and many will rejoice because of his birth, for he will be great in the sight of the Lord. He is never to take wine or other fermented drink, and he will be filled with the Holy Spirit even from birth.” Luke 1:13-15
Another coincidence? Maybe. But I don’t believe that at all.
God has given me what I believe to be promises before for a child, but somewhere along the journey, I started to lose hope. Waiting is hard. I prayed for my hope to be restored the other week and I feel like today, on this very special anniversary of the day I became a mother, God is starting to restore the hope I lost and remind me that, although this wait is long and at times desperately painful, it is all going to be worth it someday, in His perfect timing.
Although I still feel incredibly exhausted from today and am taking the rest of the day easy to recover from the emotions, it brings me so much hope and excitement to think that God has been writing my child’s story for a long time now. It brings me joy to think about the plans He has for their life and that, although they aren’t even here yet, God is already preparing for the plans and purpose he has for this child. I love them so much already!
Today, the test might have said, “Not pregnant” but what I feel instead, is pregnant with hope. I don’t know how the story will play out, but I know my God, and I know it’s going to be one amazing story.
For now, I’m still determined to live with a “childfree mindset” as I discussed the other week. I don’t want infertility to define my life. While I’m waiting for the child that God is going to give to us, I can live NOW. I don’t have to wait to start living. Although days like today are hard, tomorrow will be a new day and I can live victoriously. God also has good plans for my life and I don’t want to waste this precious time He has given me doing anything less than living in the abundance of His grace.
P.S. I published this and now I’m editing because I already need to add more because my Lord is just so amazing that He continues to bless me on what should be a sad, hopeless day. I read this blog post from the Compassion website today. Today is also our sponsored child, Sabenca’s birthday. Two years ago we sponsored Sabenca on this day. I was reading an article about the poverty in Haiti after the hurricane and hopped over to the compassion website to see if they were doing anything to help. Right on the front page was Sabenca, from HAITI and she needed a sponsor. It was also her birthday! You guys should know by now how I feel about coincidences. Jonathan and I sponsored her and she has given us such much hope. To think about how God has used the pain of our miscarriages and the loss of our children to bring about so much good for us and for others just fills my heart with joy. I love Jesus so much. I hope if you don’t know Jesus, you’ll get to know Him. He really loves you and wants to show you just how much He does!
Have hope my friends,
Waiting with hope:
“Brothers, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.”
Grieving with hope:
“Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.”