So Jonathan and I gave up on our trying to conceive break. It was pretty much decided because of how life got in the way of my plans to get everything perfectly aligned before trying again and I was like, “You know what, if we prevent pregnancy until things are perfect, we’re never going to be able to try.” And to be quite honest, Jonathan and I have both been so busy that there hasn’t been much time to even “try”.
And my cycles, the last 3 months have been so weird. I’m having some really weird symptoms and I’m pretty sure I probably need to be in a doctor’s office to figure out what’s going wrong before I completely lose my ability to conceive. But, there’s not any time to see a doctor! I have literally no idea when I’d be able to fit in an appointment, and if I did, it would just stress me out even more to have to make time for it. So yeah, my health has taken a seat on the back burner and I’m just praying that God will get me through to May when things slow down a bit so I can start taking care of myself. SIGH! That story is too long to even get into so I’ll talk about that later (well, when I have more time for blogging).
I don’t have time to blog right now even. I need to be doing laundry and packing because we have to be out the door at 7 am for my friend’s wedding weekend tomorrow morning. Oh yeah, and I got about 4 hours of sleep last night because of my busy schedule, so it would probably be a good idea to get up and get moving so I can get some rest tonight. BUT, I’m hormonal right now and I need to get this all off my chest.
I have been so busy the last 3 months that I haven’t even noticed my cycle. It’s like the third cycle in a row (or 4th, I’m losing count) of not being sure when to expect my period. I usually always know when my period is because it’s pretty easy to track what with it always arriving on time, every 28 days. But now, I’ve just been guessing at when it will start.
I’m pretty sure it’s next week, which works out perfectly because it’s in between my husband’s birthday (Saturday) and my birthday (April 23).
And my husband and I were together a few times this cycle so there is a possibility that we could be pregnant this month. But I just can’t let myself go there. I can’t let myself hope for that. In the past, I probably would have taken a pregnancy test by now just because of impatience, but I can’t do it. I don’t want to know. I feel very strongly that it would be a negative and I just can’t see that before my husband’s birthday and my birthday. Somehow, the start of my cycle seems less of a sad way to find out, so I’ll just wait for it to start.
I remember hoping to get pregnant last year around our birthdays. We would have found out right around Mother’s Day. I remember the horrible ride of hopefulness and emotions surrounding that wait.
But I can’t do it this year. I can’t let myself hope.
For months, there has been a stack of pregnancy tests waiting to be used under my sink. But I can’t stand to take it. And I don’t know if there will be a point in time in the future when I’ll be able to do so again.
The hormones are bad enough right now. Another birthday coming up means I’m getting older and my arms still remain empty. Another mother’s day with empty arms coming up. How in the world has it almost been a year since Mother’s Day? I feel like I just survived that day and here comes another one already. The time is just passing too quickly.
I pray that my journey with infertility is almost over and that God will somehow give us a miracle even though the odds are stacked against us, but right now, I don’t even have the energy to hope that my prayer will be answered soon. What is “soon” to God anyways? My definition and His definition don’t always match up and I don’t want to hope for something that isn’t in His will for me right now. And what if the rainbow baby I’ve been praying for isn’t biological but through adoption. That journey seems even more exhausting and it’s hard to hope for something that is probably so far off in the future.
I don’t know how to put my hope in an end to this pain, but I do know how to put my hope in God! So no matter what I’m feeling, I’m going to choose to trust Him and believe that He will continue to supply me with grace and everything I need to endure the trials of this life. And I also choose to trust that He can fill me with all joy and peace as I put my heart’s desire and dream to be a mother in His hands.
And so I’ll surrender this desire, this pain, the sadness into God’s loving Hands to do with it as He pleases. Let your will be done in my life Lord Jesus, whatever may come.