Yesterday I was talking with my best friend on the phone and we caught up on the last few months of life.
During our conversation we started talking about my miscarriages and my friend admitted being confused by how I can hope in God and not be angry at Him for my losses. She expressed struggle to understand how He could not only allow it once, but time and time again.
It’s a bit of a topic too deep to go into fully, but I just shared my heart and explained that I feel confident in His love for me and I believe with all of my heart every one of His promises. I went a bit more in depth sharing testimony to the different pains and struggles I walked through, even the darkest point in my journey when I was ready to walk away from Jesus Christ, but when He restored my faith and gave me peace to keep going.
Afterwards I was reflecting on my journey and I opened my private journal that I wrote in the midst of the worst of my grief journey in 2012 and 2013.
As I look back through the painful words that I remember writing drenched in tears and a broken heart that could hardly go on, all I can see is Christ’s faithfulness to carry me, protect me, and to pick me up out of the pit of despair and restore joy and hope and laughter to me again, even in the midst of these trials. And He is continuing to do these things day after day. It’s not always easy, but He is always there.
“They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.” Psalm 126:5
“I waited patiently for the LORD; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me up also out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. And He put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD. Blessed is the man that makes the LORD his trust.” Psalm 40:1-3
One of the journal pages I came across was a cardboard testimony. I’m not sure what my intentions were writing this – if it was for my personal benefit to reflect on God’s faithfulness in the midst of my grief or if I was hoping to share it publically.
It’s about 5 years late, but I would like to share it now. I hope in the future to add more and more testimony to the work Jesus has done in my heart and my life. He is SO, SO good. I hope you enjoy reading! In bold will be my testimony of what I believe Jesus has done for me. This was written in 2012:
- Child of Divorce: Adopted as a child of God
- Searched for love in all the wrong places: Found true love in Jesus Christ
- Guilt over sexual sin: Accepted. Forgiven. Loved.
- Afraid of commitment. Fear of getting hurt: Blessed with a husband who loves and serves the Lord
- Didn’t finish college. A loser. Nothing special to the world: A treasure in the arms of Christ
- Lost with no direction: Found my purpose in serving God and my family
- Lost 3 babies to miscarriage in 9 months: Held in the arms of Jesus
- Heartbroken: Comforted
- Lonely: God is always with me
- Wanted to die: Given hope to keep living
- Depressed: Finding joy in growing closer to my Heavenly Father
- Angry. Jealous of other moms: Mercy and grace
- Scared of losing another baby. Afraid we will never have children on earth: Faith in His plan. Peace through prayer.
- I am weak: My strength is in Christ
- I am a sinner: I am forgiven
- A broken mess: I am a new creation through Jesus Christ
I hope this testimony will give someone hope in the midst of your own trials. If I could tell anyone advice on what to do when you are overwhelmed by grief, it would be to give into the grief fully. To embrace the pain, the sorrow, the anger. But to take all of that to the foot of the cross of Jesus Christ and cry out for His help to carry you through it, and then one day, slowly but surely, to restore laughter to your soul. He did it for me, and I believe He will do it for anyone who calls upon His name.
I told my friend yesterday, the most hopeless day in all history was when Jesus was killed and died on the cross. But the beauty of my faith in Him is that 3 days later He rose from the grave. I’ll gladly give Him all my sorrows knowing nothing is too hard for Him. My strong Savior!
Each of us has a choice to make when we are presented with Jesus: we can either harden our hearts and ignore Him and try to figure this life out on our own or turn to Him in faith. I plead with anyone to not go down that heartbreaking road of unbelief. If you could only see how the Heavenly Father weeps over you and how He longs to lavish you with His love, surely you would run to Him.
“Today, if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts.”
From the parable of the prodigal son: “And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him.” Luke 15:20
My prayer for anyone reading this would be that instead of doubting and trying to go your own way, you would take your broken heart to the Lord.
“Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:16
See where it says, “throne of grace”? I love that! I quote it all the time in prayer to God: “Father, I come before your throne of grace!” It reminds me of who He is and how He loves us. I hope it comforts you in the same way if you are reading.
A great song to reflect on the work of Christ is: Beautiful Things by Gungor