Hello friends and happy new year! I cannot even believe 2016 is over and done with. Last year was certainly a whirlwind in so many ways.
I’m sorry to have dropped off of the face of the universe. I needed to take some time to reflect on living a more simple life and have been and I’m still currently seeking how much of my life I want to keep private vs how much I want to share with the world. By November, I deleted Facebook and have since enjoyed the peaceful feeling of not having information and news at my finger tips that so often would still my joy. I never plan to delete my blog, but I am still actively praying about and considering how I should best spend my time.
Last year was pretty busy and it’s hard for me to even remember much of it because it all passed by too quickly. Some highlights from the year that I can remember:
- I started a new job and worked hard on paying off debt and also worked hard to conquer issues I was having with anxiety. A small update on my anxiety: It’s still there in certain circumstances, but I’m feeling a million times better than I was a year ago. I’m still a work in progress, but I’m satisfied with how far I have come.
- My husband and I finally after over 5 years of marriage, went on our honeymoon in July. After getting pregnant and having a miscarriage in June, we planned a spontaneous honeymoon adventure. It was a blast! We drove from Texas all the way to Washington state and visited some beautiful sites along the way. We spent way too much money and it was probably not the best idea while paying off debt, but it was so worth it. You only get to be young and stupid once, right?
- I went to 3 baby showers last year and 1 gender reveal party. It would have been 4 baby showers, but 2 of the showers were on the same day. I was so thankful to God to be in a better place mentally to celebrate life with others. It’s not always easy, but I’m finding it more and more natural to enjoy life again with friends and family.
- My mother and grandmother were able to come to my home to celebrate both Thanksgiving and Christmas. Spending the holidays with them was such a gift and I’m so thankful for every moment I have with family.
Those are just a few of the highlights. We also had many great memories with friends, old and new. I especially enjoyed getting to practice hospitality by having many friends and family over at our house. It’s nice having extra bedrooms now that we live in a house. I don’t miss apartment living at all 🙂
Some sad updates from 2016: we experienced 3 more miscarriages, bringing our total number of pregnancies and miscarriages to 9. I cannot even begin to wrap my head around that number. It’s just too much.
In September, just a few days after writing this blog post, I found out I was pregnant for the 8th time. My excitement and fear was short lived as it ended in a very early loss, or chemical pregnancy.
In November, after Thanksgiving, I found out I was pregnant again and it was a very long month of waiting to see what would happen. I initially thought the pregnancy was over right at the beginning and expected to have a chemical pregnancy. Several days later, I found out that I was very much still pregnant and there was still hope. I can’t even describe the shock and happiness I felt when I found out there was still a chance. But I spotted the entire pregnancy and it was a very difficult time waiting to see if baby would live.
The week before Christmas, on December 20, we had an ultrasound that showed a sac but the baby never progressed like they should. My hcg levels were dropping and the next day, the miscarriage started full of contractions and about 4 hours of intense pain. The worst was that day and everything was much easier the following days. This Wednesday, December 28, I had a follow up ultrasound and the pregnancy “resolved” on its own and my hcg levels are now back to zero. My platelets are also at 220,000 which is a very nice high level. This is a very hard time, but I’m thankful that this did not require hospitalization or surgery, and I’m also incredibly thankful that this was not an ectopic pregnancy. With the daily spotting I had the entire pregnancy, it was hard waiting through blood work and ultrasounds and follow up ultrasounds. As hard as this experience has been, I know it could have been far worse than it was.
There’s a certain level of relief to have this passed me now, but at the same time, I have many moments where I struggle to understand how this happened. I’m trying to focus on being positive, but the thought of having 3 due dates next year is a bit difficult to wrap my head around. It’s difficult thinking about turning 30 this year with these due dates coming up, but I pray that God will give me the grace and strength to carry me through the harder times.
It’s also very difficult saying goodbye to this baby. I have a good set of really kind and supportive doctors that are confident they will be able to help me and find out what’s wrong (I go back on January 30th). Even though I’m incredibly thankful that God led me to a staff of doctors that I really believe are going to help us find some answers, it’s hard for me to imagine trying to get pregnant again or making all of these efforts to have a baby. I want this baby that’s supposed to be with me right now.
The only way I can push myself forward is by telling myself that this is about self care. My body is sick and I’m doing this to take care of myself and be a good steward of my health. I’m not betraying my baby that died and it doesn’t even have to be about going on to have another baby, but simply about my health. When I go back on the 30th, I’ll be sure to discuss some of the anxiety I’m having about future pregnancies with my doctor. I’m sure they will be able to direct me or support me as we move forward.
I’m trying to focus on each day as it comes and not dwell too much on the future. There are certain plans in place for the future, but as for the things I cannot control, God will be with me as each new day comes. Part of conquering my anxiety has been to focus on the present moment and trust God with the future moments. Looking back on the past, I realized that so many of the things I have worried myself sick over, never came to pass. And even the worst of my worries that did come to pass, well, God gave me the grace and strength I needed through each trial. It didn’t help me one bit to worry about a single moment that was out of my control.
My husband has been a huge support system through this even in the midst of his own sadness. He’s such a strong man of faith and I loved how he never gave up on this baby, always praying and believing they would live. It gave me so much hope. Even when I first thought we lost the baby, he continued to pray for me and the baby. It’s hard to think about him not becoming a father. He is the most amazing, selfless husband and I know he would make the best dad. There just aren’t enough words in the English language to describe what a good man he is. I’m really fortunate to have him as my husband and best friend. It’s hard to be sad when I’m with him because he makes life so much sweeter, more fun, and care free. We are coming up on 6 years of marriage this year and I’m so very thankful to share every moment with him. When he proposed to me (way back in 2008), part of his proposal was “I want to share everything with you. The highs and lows of life.” We have certainly shared many highs and many lows together, but our marriage gets stronger and sweeter with each passing year. I love this man! My grandmother asked me at Thanksgiving if Jonathan is the same around me as he is around everyone else. She told me he is a jewel and to never stop appreciating him. I agree with her.
I have no idea what 2017 will bring. I have goals, plans, and hopes for the future, but mostly I plan to commit each day to the Lord and I trust that He will do immeasurably more than all I ask or imagine. I know Jesus will carry me through the hard times and I look forward to the good times He has planned for me as well.
I’m not sure when I will blog again or what all I will share, but I wanted to stop in and wish you all a very happy new year and update anyone who is interested in my what’s happening with my infertility journey. I’m not sure if I will document our medical process and search for answers for why we have recurrent pregnancy losses, but I will be sure to update every so often for anyone who follows my story. I briefly mentioned it above, but I have a great staff of doctors that I’m working with and I’m feeling much more peaceful when I step into their office. We are also receiving a huge amount of support and love from family and friends and I know that we are going to be okay, no matter what happens.
I’m sending you all my love and prayers and wishing you a very happy new year. Cherish every moment my friends!