BFN

I took another pg test today and it was negative. So I guess the faint second line I saw the other day was just a fluke. UGHHHHHHHH!

I wasn’t even feeling that emotional about Mother’s Day until I took a test earlier this week and now this entire weekend has just been a complete disaster. I’m sick as a dog and it was so hard to get up this morning for church. But I was determined to go. I think it’s just a cold or sinus infection but either way, I’m surprised I was able to make it to church.

And let me tell you – it was a mistake. I was not in a place to worship God. I tried so hard but all I could think about the entire service was how angry I feel at my church for not giving flowers to all women – just the mothers. And going on and on about honoring mothers during the sermon.

I shouldn’t have gone. It was a huge mistake.

And the worst part of all, I can’t even feel God’s love right now. I just feel so far away from Him. This is a complete opposite to how I felt last year. I think that hurts worse than anything. I want God to be my everything, but right now, I just feel forgotten and alone.

Then I came home and took a pregnancy test after church and of course it was negative. I wasn’t shocked – I completely expected the test to be negative.

But it still hurts really bad. I wish this journey was over but I guess I’m still going to be infertile.

Today I don’t feel strong. Today, I feel really, really weak and hurt.

I wish I could be hopeful for a miracle someday, but right now, I’m hurting too much to care about the future. I hurt RIGHT NOW! Right now matters to me. I don’t care if I get a baby 15 years from now. It doesn’t change the grief of today.

Edit: I wrote this earlier in the day when I was feeling the height of my emotions and I’m now feeling a lot better. I decided not to turn away from God and open my bible and pray. I was feeling especially guilty going to Him since I was acting cold towards Him today and I was worried for what I would read. I opened to the most comforting scripture possible: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”. A sweet reminder that I can always come to God and start fresh – even if I turned away for a moment.

I read several other encouraging parts in scripture and am feeling a lot better just knowing that God has not forgotten me and that He sees me today.

I’m also thinking about the future. I’ve always worried in my heart that this would be a very long wait until we have a child. And the reality is that it might be a long wait. I can’t keep letting myself get this upset over motherhood things. I need to focus on the blessings I do have in my life and be content with this current season of my life.

But that also means I’m going to be making some changes. I’ve been the “yes” girl for so long and am always available for helping in different children’s ministries. But for the moment, I really just need to step away from children’s ministry. It just hurts too much and I don’t feel any joy in serving.

One area that has been on my heart lately is the idea of starting an infertility support group. I’m a little nervous about what exactly this will look like and if there is even a need in my area for that group, but I’ll be praying over the next few months to see if God is leading me in that direction.

I don’t know what the future looks like, but I do know that I need to give myself more grace and be more compassionate towards my feelings. Maybe next year I won’t put myself through the torture of Mother’s Day service if I’m also dealing with an expected period and hormones LOL! My husband has already suggested that we might should think about taking a vacation next year on Mother’s Day.

Who knows, maybe next year I’ll worship God on top of a mountain or in front of a beautiful beach :-)

But I do know, that after all I’ve been through, I owe it to myself to start enjoying the blessings I do have in my life. I hope you all are doing okay and surviving better than I did today.

I’m thinking of you all today,

Amber

 

The dreaded day is here again

All my infertile girls know what I’m talking about with that title. Some (ahem, ME) might refer to this as the worst day of the year. And although I had an amazing spiritual experience last year on Mother’s Day, this day will always be hard. I have more thoughts to share, but first I wanted to share some of my blog posts from this time last year. I was reading through a few of them today and they were very encouraging to me as I face this day again – how quickly the time has seemed to pass. I hope that if you also read through a few of them, they will be encouraging to you and remind you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

A reminder

Hope to restore what has been lost – As I look back at this post, I know exactly what victory God was preparing me for: not for the miracle of a baby (at least not yet), but for the miracle of being able to worship God and know how deep and wide and high His love is for me, on the worst day of the year.

7 days

Thinking about the past – again with this blog post, the victory came through being able to worship God from my “house of poverty” on Mother’s Day. I was on my period and yet I was able to have the most incredible worship experience of my life with empty arms. It was a miracle to me to not only be able to attend Mother’s Day service in church, but to truly worship God with all my heart and soul and strength. It was absolutely a victory for my faith!

On the way to the cross – If you read nothing else from me today, please read this post!

Not so alone after all – THIS ONE TOO! It’s a post all about love and I really hope you’ll take the time to read it. It’s encouraging to me to read this now and reminding me that “love never fails”.

A revelation – A short post talking about how God opened my eyes to the grief of a family member

Today, I overcame – My first experience celebrating Mother’s Day as a loss mom

A year ago, Mother’s Day and the weeks leading up to that day, I learned some very important spiritual lessons. I’m thankful for this blog that I can go back and read through them again as I face another Mother’s Day with empty arms. It gives me hope and reminds me that with Jesus by my side, I can do all things, even rejoice with those who rejoice while I mourn.

I am still nervous for tomorrow’s church service, but I am hopeful that it will be just as amazing as last year’s worship experience and that I will feel loved and honored by my Heavenly father and my 5 beautiful babies in Heaven.

I wasn’t dreading this day quite the same way as last year and in fact, up until a few days ago, I actually didn’t give much thought to this holiday.

We decided to try to conceive this cycle. I shouldn’t say “try” though, but leave it in God’s hands. I read an encouraging blog post the night before my birthday about trusting God with your family planning/size even through loss and it gave me hope to not be fearful to try again. Even if God should give us another baby who is taken away too soon, I can still rejoice because they were created. This is the exact paragraph from the blog post that made my heart swell with joy:

“And then I began to consider the baby. Our baby. What purpose did this child’s short life serve? I thought about where the baby was now. Paul said to be absent from the body was to be present with the Lord. Could it be that there was one more soul around the Throne of God, worshiping the Lord because of our willingness to obey our heavenly father in giving up our rights to our fertility?”

I had been thinking about preventing pregnancy until I feel confident enough to try again. But that decision was based on my fear. So after reading this encouraging post about trusting God with your fertility (whether that means someone with a large family or someone like me who struggles with infertility and loss) I decided to talk with my husband to get his thoughts.

He said ever so simply, “Yes. We should trust God and leave it up to Him.”

I was glad we were on the same page. I’ve read before that it’s so important to consider your partners feelings when trying again after loss. If one partner isn’t ready, you just don’t go ahead with it. I remember there was once a time when I was ready to try again after a long time of waiting after our 3rd loss, and my husband wasn’t ready. He was afraid of losing me and another baby. Sometimes it’s hard to wait, but I think it’s so important to consider our spouses feelings. And I’m so thankful that Jonathan has always respected me and has waited for me on many occasions to be ready to try again. Even when he was wiling to trust God and take a leap of faith, he waited for me. We make a great team and I’m so thankful for him!

So we are officially done with the TTC break and we jumped off the boat to walk out to the water where Jesus is. Maybe we will fall, but we know that Jesus won’t let us drown. We can trust God in all circumstances. Even through the most heartbreaking experiences in my life, God has walked with me ever step of the way and I know I can face anything with my Savior to guide me and show me the right path to take. And maybe some people will call us foolish, but this is my belief:

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” Jeremiah 17:7-8

So where are we now? Well…

My period is due to start later this week and there is a chance I might actually be pregnant.

And the other day, I’m not really sure what prompted me to do, but I decided to test with a dollar store pregnancy test. Like seriously, a $1 test. I don’t like wasting money on expensive tests anymore and I’m absolutely not going to waste a “good” test before my period is even late.

There was a faint second line. I mean, faint. But it was really early. My husband couldn’t see it though, but it’s gotten darker and I can definitely see it now. I cried and got really excited at first. But then the next morning, I took another test and I couldn’t see a second line. So then of course I put my guard up and I’ve been a little freaked out ever since. I decided not to keep testing because I can’t handle the emotions. And if I am pregnant, I want to be as stress free and calm as possible.

So I’m not testing again at least until after church service tomorrow. But I’m not sure I have the strength to find out on Mother’s Day. I mean, if it was positive, that would be amazing. But if the test is negative, I’m going to grieve. After seeing that second line, even as faint as it was, I realized how much I really, really want a baby. I think I’ve had my guard up for so long that I haven’t allowed myself to hope, and now that hope is back, I don’t want to say goodbye.

I kind of can’t believe my period is so close to Mother’s day again for a second year in a row. That certainly makes things interesting when you are waiting to see the results of your cycle. Now that my hopes are actually up thanks to that faint second line, I’m definitely feeling more emotional about going to service tomorrow. I really don’t want to test tomorrow and have my heart-broken on an already painful day, but at the same time, the waiting is really hard and if I am pregnant I need to get into my doctor asap.

I told my husband this morning when I woke up with a sore throat that things can never just be easy for me. And then I read in a blog post from last year where I wrote the same thing, “things can never just be easy.” But you know what, if they were easy I would depend on my own strength. When I’m in these impossible situations, I have to fully depend on the Lord for His strength to carry me through every trial. When I get through the trial, I always look back and clearly see His hand at work in every painful situation. I don’t know why I so easily forget God’s faithfulness in my life. But I think that’s why it’s so important to write about it so that you can remind yourself that God has never left you or forsaken you. I’ve not only survived every trial and obstacle I have faced, but I have thrived and overcome so many things. Sure, I still have a long road ahead of me to healing, but I can be proud of the things I’ve been able to accomplish so far and trust that Jesus will continue to be my helper through all things.

I know that tomorrow is going to be a hard day for me and for many of you in this community. I want you to know that I will be praying for you and thinking of all you. You are not alone in this journey through infertility and loss and I hope that you know that God sees you and I see you too. I’m stealing this prayer from my blog post from last year:

Dear friends that are feeling the weight of infertility and loss this weekend, I honor you.  You are all mothers and you are all the most compassionate and loving people I have ever met, and I am truly blessed to know all of you.  I love this community and the hearts that you all have.  I know that your babies in Heaven look down at you and smile – you are strong, even when you don’t feel it.  You selflessly love your children with all of your heart, because you risk everything to try to bring them into this world.  Where others decide to spend money on themselves, you sacrifice month after month, with medical bills, and treatments, and adoption costs just because you have so much love in your heart to give.  You should be honored for that love.  That love you have is a gift from God, and someday, I just know it, you will be able to give that love to the children you bring home.

And while we wait for our arms to be full of the love we have for our children, I hope that for today, and for this moment in time, the love of this community we have together, and the love of God will be enough to fill you with peace in the waiting.  Don’t let the evil one confuse you – you are deeply loved and you always will be.

My prayers are with each and every one of you,

Amber

I can’t even let myself go there

So Jonathan and I gave up on our trying to conceive break. It was pretty much decided because of how life got in the way of my plans to get everything perfectly aligned before trying again and I was like, “You know what, if we prevent pregnancy until things are perfect, we’re never going to be able to try.” And to be quite honest, Jonathan and I have both been so busy that there hasn’t been much time to even “try”.

And my cycles, the last 3 months have been so weird. I’m having some really weird symptoms and I’m pretty sure I probably need to be in a doctor’s office to figure out what’s going wrong before I completely lose my ability to conceive. But, there’s not any time to see a doctor! I have literally no idea when I’d be able to fit in an appointment, and if I did, it would just stress me out even more to have to make time for it. So yeah, my health has taken a seat on the back burner and I’m just praying that God will get me through to May when things slow down a bit so I can start taking care of myself. SIGH! That story is too long to even get into so I’ll talk about that later (well, when I have more time for blogging).

I don’t have time to blog right now even. I need to be doing laundry and packing because we have to be out the door at 7 am for my friend’s wedding weekend tomorrow morning. Oh yeah, and I got about 4 hours of sleep last night because of my busy schedule, so it would probably be a good idea to get up and get moving so I can get some rest tonight. BUT, I’m hormonal right now and I need to get this all off my chest.

I have been so busy the last 3 months that I haven’t even noticed my cycle. It’s like the third cycle in a row (or 4th, I’m losing count) of not being sure when to expect my period. I usually always know when my period is because it’s pretty easy to track what with it always arriving on time, every 28 days. But now, I’ve just been guessing at when it will start.

I’m pretty sure it’s next week, which works out perfectly because it’s in between my husband’s birthday (Saturday) and my birthday (April 23).

And my husband and I were together a few times this cycle so there is a possibility that we could be pregnant this month. But I just can’t let myself go there. I can’t let myself hope for that. In the past, I probably would have taken a pregnancy test by now just because of impatience, but I can’t do it. I don’t want to know. I feel very strongly that it would be a negative and I just can’t see that before my husband’s birthday and my birthday. Somehow, the start of my cycle seems less of a sad way to find out, so I’ll just wait for it to start.

I remember hoping to get pregnant last year around our birthdays. We would have found out right around Mother’s Day. I remember the horrible ride of hopefulness and emotions surrounding that wait.

But I can’t do it this year. I can’t let myself hope.

For months, there has been a stack of pregnancy tests waiting to be used under my sink. But I can’t stand to take it. And I don’t know if there will be a point in time in the future when I’ll be able to do so again.

The hormones are bad enough right now. Another birthday coming up means I’m getting older and my arms still remain empty. Another mother’s day with empty arms coming up. How in the world has it almost been a year since Mother’s Day? I feel like I just survived that day and here comes another one already. The time is just passing too quickly.

I pray that my journey with infertility is almost over and that God will somehow give us a miracle even though the odds are stacked against us, but right now, I don’t even have the energy to hope that my prayer will be answered soon. What is “soon” to God anyways? My definition and His definition don’t always match up and I don’t want to hope for something that isn’t in His will for me right now. And what if the rainbow baby I’ve been praying for isn’t biological but through adoption. That journey seems even more exhausting and it’s hard to hope for something that is probably so far off in the future.

I don’t know how to put my hope in an end to this pain, but I do know how to put my hope in God! So no matter what I’m feeling, I’m going to choose to trust Him and believe that He will continue to supply me with grace and everything I need to endure the trials of this life. And I also choose to trust that He can fill me with all joy and peace as I put my heart’s desire and dream to be a mother in His hands.

And so I’ll surrender this desire, this pain, the sadness into God’s loving Hands to do with it as He pleases. Let your will be done in my life Lord Jesus, whatever may come.

-Amber

I’ve tried to write this post a million times…

I keep wanting to write in my blog, but every time I start typing out words, it feels overwhelming. There is so much going on in my life and I don’t even know where to begin or how to really express the way I’m feeling.

So I’ll keep this as brief as possible – I’m sorry that I have been missing the last few months. Life has been busy and when there has been down time, I just didn’t have it in me to find the words to describe what’s happening.

To sum things up, I overextended myself in different ministries. One ministry in particular I’m not even sure how I ended up involved in as I never intended to commit myself to that work. I don’t really know how to describe how that happened, but it did and now I have to follow through with something that feels like a burden. And I feel guilty about it – I should be excited and passionate about what I’ll be doing.

To make things worse, the person that I went into this ministry event with and that convinced me to go along with her decided to quit and left me as the team leader, in charge of coordinating the entire process. She made her decision 2 weeks ago, without talking to me and let me know via email that she was stepping down. It felt like I had been stabbed in the back and I spent the following days crying and hurt that my friend ditched me in something I was already feeling worried about doing.

I was able to pray and take the matter to God and I’m feeling much more at peace now and was able to forgive her and trust that God will help me overcome this obstacle.

And see, this is the point where I would usually stop blogging because I don’t know that anything I just wrote actually makes sense and I don’t know where to go from here.

But I’ll keep going this time, because I love this blog and I don’t want to miss out on the opportunity to share my experiences in every season of my life.

I wish I could say that this ministry is the only area of my life where I’m not feeling joy. But to be quite honest, I’ve started to realize that even as busy as I am, I’m just going through the motions. I’ve been trying for so long to hide the truth from others – so well in fact that I was even in denial myself. I’m depressed. Not like in the way I was during grieving following my miscarriages where I would cry almost daily and struggle to get through each day.

This is different. I don’t really know how to describe it fully in words, but I’ll try: It’s having a desire to change my life, to become a better person, to reach for my dreams. It’s knowing what steps to take to make positive changes in my life. But being too tired to care enough to actually do it. I want a better life, but most days I wake up and just sit in bed for an hour before actually getting out of bed. When I have to be somewhere, it’s easier, but I end up eating out and then feeling guilty for not making time to eat healthy so that I can get better. And when I have free time to relax and do the things I need to be healthier like prepare healthy food and work out, I just zone out and waste that time doing something like watching tv.

And then I feel guilty and worried and I beat myself up over another day of failure.

I kept blaming being over-extended with ministry things, but I think I finally realized something was really wrong with me when I couldn’t enjoy my anniversary with my husband. My grandmother died that week and her funeral was the day of our wedding anniversary. I didn’t feel sad over this though because she was suffering from Parkinson’s disease and my grandfather had passed in 2013. I was happy that she was now in Heaven.

We drove to Corpus Christi for the funeral and my dad wanted to treat us with a special suite hotel room so that Jonathan and I would be able to enjoy our anniversary after the funeral. The hotel room was huge with a beautiful balcony view of the ocean.

Jonathan and I went to the aquarium and ate out and saw a movie. I was trying really, really hard to make our anniversary special and romantic and to enjoy my time, but I just wasn’t able to.

The feeling that I had was a desire to just get back home. As much as my heart aches to enjoy these moments in my life and to cherish this time with my husband, and as I hard as I try to take the steps to do that, I can’t even find happiness in this.

Two of my best friends are getting married in the next few months and I can’t even bring myself to feel excited about any of it. And I feel so guilty over that. I want to enjoy these moments in my life.

I’m going to my friend’s bachelorette party next weekend and I’m just dreading it. That makes me feel awful. I should be excited about a fun girl’s weekend celebrating my friend. But instead, I’m just feeling anxious about how busy next week is going to be and thinking about all of the things I’m going to need to get done and worried that I’ll end up eating out because of my busy schedule and then feel sick and fat and mad at myself. And it all just feels like too much right now.

I know there’s probably someone reading this who doesn’t get it. You’ve never experienced this before. I don’t think you can understand what this is like until you’ve lived through it. Words just can’t really describe what depression is like. I don’t even think I’ve scratched the surface of what I’m feeling.

I have a family member who suffered from depression a little over 10 years ago. It was a severe depression, I’d say probably much worse than what I’m experiencing. They tried to end their life and weren’t successful and thankfully chose to go to therapy the following day. The road to healing was a very long process, but they were able to stop taking medication after a few years and now leads a very successful life. This person went from being a high school drop out to working a very important position in his company. They were able to start a family and now lives a very happy life.

So I know how beneficial therapy can be and how helpful depression medicine can be for a period of time. But I just feel scared. I don’t like opening up to people about what I’m going through. I don’t see how I could handle talking to a stranger about this. And I know that sounds weird because I’m writing about this to a bunch of strangers. But, it’s easier to express myself through writing than face to face conversation.

My parents had a cutesy name for what I’m good at doing: “Sugar-coating my feelings”. I like to cry in private. When the doctor told me our 2nd baby Matthew died, I didn’t cry. I shut my emotions off while I was in that office. The doctor was concerned by my lack of a reaction but Jonathan told her it would come later when I was alone. I don’t even like crying in front of Jonathan, but that day I fell apart as soon as we got inside the car.

It’s funny that people have told me how happy I look or sound when I’ve actually felt completely the opposite. I saw this picture on Pinterest the other day and it reminded me of how good I am at hiding my true feelings from those in my life:

c007fbe1825da89de50abc27749b8864Source

That picture makes me sad. And it makes me think of how many people are suffering silently in the world without anyone knowing it. I didn’t want to share my story with anyone because I’m worried of what people will say or think of me. When you open up, you are more vulnerable to being hurt.

But when I googled “Christians and…._____” depression was the top searched item. “Christians and depression.” How can that be? Everyone seems to be happy when I walk through the church doors. But like the quote above, I have to wonder how many of my brothers and sisters in Christ are hiding their brokenness behind the veil of a beautiful smile.

And as scared as I am to bring my own brokenness to the light and open myself up to receive help, it’s with a great hope and prayer that I believe God will not waste this journey and will use my bravery to reach others who are hurting.

And so I’m taking this small step in faith to start sharing my story and in the coming days to find help to overcome this struggle. I do appreciate your prayers and ask that you comment with grace and compassion. You don’t have to understand what I’m going through to be compassionate, you just need to know that I’m hurting.

With love,

Amber

“Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”

Cloth Diapers…

What a weird title for a RPL mom and for someone who’s currently on a TTC break. But you read it right – cloth diapers. I just ordered three cloth diapers for my future diaper stash!

Along time ago, back in 2011, when I was pregnant with Matthew, I ordered two cloth diapers from a company that was having an awesome discount on this particular brand of diapers. Of course I lost him and then my diapers arrived and it was the most heartbreaking thing to tuck those diapers back in the pretty wrapping and put them in a hidden corner in my closet. It was an odd sadness of feeling both devastated that I wouldn’t be putting him in those diapers that I ordered specifically for him as well as feeling hopeless with doubts and questions for the future. Will these diapers sit in my closet never to be used?

I debated in my mind on even keeping the diapers. In the bitterness of the loss, I wanted to toss them in the trash and not be reminded of the loss. But a little voice in my head said that maybe, just maybe, someday I’ll use these diapers for my rainbow baby.

I get emails all the time from the cloth diaper company that I ordered these two diapers from with clearance items and sales. Most of the time, I just delete them. Sometimes I’ll look and think about how cute the diapers are and wish I could order one to start my stash. But then the realistic part of me takes over and says, “You have debt to be paying off first. And you should wait until you actually have a baby on the way.”

But today, I clicked on the email and browsed the items. The diapers that were on sale, with free shipping were not only a good price, but really cute. I left my shopping window open and went out this morning with my husband to run some errands (he has a weird work schedule today). I asked him what he thought about me starting to build our diaper stash, paying attention to special diaper sales. I figured he would say no because we want to focus all of our efforts on becoming debt free, but in a total surprise he encouraged me to start working on our stash and said that he would be fine with me getting a few things here and there when there is a special deal going on.

I came home and got to work on my decision making. I can’t even believe I just ordered three diapers! This is not like me, but it was SO FUN! I can’t wait until they arrive so I can look at them and dream about the future. And I’m going to take a cue from some of my good blogging friends and go as far as to pray over these diapers and the little ones that will wear them.

I ordered this Kawaii One-Size diaper cover in light blue. If you aren’t familiar with cloth diapers, one size diapers can be adjusted to fit a baby at a small size through the toddler years (from small to medium to large). And a diaper cover is used with pre-folds or fitted diapers, which are a more frugal diapering option. I plan to mostly use pre-fold diapers with diaper covers to save money, but I will have the easier diapers for the times when someone else is caring for my baby, or for when my husband does a diaper change.

The next two diapers will be more “husband user-friendly”. I ordered the Kawaii pocket diapers in light blue and “comfy baby” which is a light yellow striped fabric. This is not a one size diaper, so it will only fit the baby from newborn to about 15 months. This diaper is more similar to a disposable diaper. When I do the laundry, I will stuff the diapers so that they are ready to just easily place on the baby, just like a normal disposable diaper.

From what I’ve read and listened to online for the last 4 years, it’s very important that you don’t purchase one brand and style of cloth diaper for your entire diaper stash. In the same way that my favorite brand and style of jeans might not work out well for another woman, cloth diapers will also work differently based on each baby and their particular size and needs.

So where I might think I would be saving money by purchasing all “one size” diapers to fit from birth to toddlerhood, I would probably quickly learn it was a mistake. So my plan is to slowly build my diaper stash, paying attention to sales and clearance items every so often so that I can have a variety of options by the time we finally have our baby.

I probably won’t be purchasing any more diapers for awhile, because my biggest focus is obviously still getting out of debt, but I am excited for this more hopeful step I’ve taken. I’ve been having a rough few days lately, remembering our first baby Abiygale and thinking about how she should be turning 3 next month. I was even watching someone’s video on YouTube the other day who talked about her birth after infertility and I started to panic thinking about all of the things that could go wrong.

And then I read this post from Elisha and Waiting for Baby Bird. I cried, hopeful tears. It was just what I needed. A beautiful reminder of truth to not focus on the chair legs of infertility and loss, but to focus instead on my amazing God and the truth of His word and His promises which are still for us today. I love that girl! She is a blessing and encouragement to so many and I can’t wait for the day when I read that baby Josiah, her promised child, is on his way to this world. Love you sweet friend!

4 years ago in January, the month before we got married actually, I had my second laparoscopic surgery. My first surgery in 2009, was to remove an ovarian cyst. I was diagnosed with endometriosis at the time and fell in despair worrying about infertility. But during my second surgery, the doctor removed a septum and discovered that I no longer had endometriosis. It was a miracle and a miracle that I didn’t even know was possible. Years of painful periods and finally I was healed. I didn’t believe it, but after having normal periods month after month over the next few years, it started to sink in that God had really done this for me. I can remember being so sick every single month and throwing up and passing out from the pain of my periods. Every month when I don’t get sick like that and just have normal, minor cramps, I always remember what it was like and feel so completely grateful to not suffer like that any longer.

I know that God healing me of this disease only to go on to miscarry 5 times might seem weird, but to me, I believe that He is working all things out for good and someday I’ll truly understand His will. But for now, the first part of my healing, the healing from endometriosis, gives me hope and reminds me that God can do all things. He healed me once, and He can heal me again in His perfect timing.

And I don’t believe for one second that these diapers will sit in my closet unused. These diapers are going to be prayed over and God will not waste these diapers ordered with faith and hope. I believe they will be used for my miracle(s), but who knows, maybe they will be used in ways I can’t even imagine. Perhaps we will be able to foster children or even adopt. Whatever God’s will is, I’m believing in faith that these diapers are going to be a blessing for our family!

Have hope my friends! The plan might not look like what we dreamed it would, but with God, it will be a beautiful unfolding, I can promise that!

Blessings,

Amber

 

The Glory Days

I hate when I go weeks without blogging because then there is usually so much to catch up on and I don’t always know where to begin. Sigh!

Christmas was busy and I was glad to get the holidays over with. Jonathan actually had a 6 day vacation starting on Christmas day, so we drove to see my mom and grandmother. My grandmother is still recovering from her knee surgery so it was an uneventful trip, but it was nice to see her out of the hospital and doing well.

Jon’s 6 day vacation wasn’t very restful, however, as we had to purchase an entire new wardrobe for his work clothing. He used to wear his police uniform, but the detective job requires business attire with ties as well as suits and ties for court. Thankfully, there was no shortage of overtime opportunities in November and we had plenty of money to go crazy with.

I thought it would be really fun shopping for him, but then we started paying for everything, and my frugal nature wanted to scream and run away. But my husband is 6’5, we were short on time to get everything, and we couldn’t be picky. There was a lot of sales, thankfully, but it was still a pretty penny. You better believe I saved all of the receipts for a tax write-off! And we got all of our shopping done before the 1st of the year :-)

The last few days of Jonathan being on patrol made me nervous. I stayed up every night listening to my police scanner app. Yeah – I’m not going to miss that at all.

On January 5th, we woke up at 5:30 am (the time we sometimes GO to bed with his weird patrol schedule) and Jonathan started his new detective job. I think I got about an hour of sleep, but ended up staying up all day because I was just that excited about his new position. I made him his favorite meal of chicken fajitas and a key lime pie to celebrate his first day of detective work. He loved it!

I have to say that being on a normal day shift schedule makes life considerably easier. Meal prep, keeping the house clean and organized, and still doing a few ministry events is much more enjoyable with his new schedule.

Detective work is still police work though and when Jonathan is on call, he could be gone for hours or even days working on a case. This week, he was home late Monday and Tuesday. Monday he didn’t even get home until after 10 pm. While his schedule will always be somewhat weird, it’s still easier for me because no matter what, he has to be up at 5:30am to get to work in time. Therefore, I can go to bed early, and just have food in the fridge for him to re-heat when he comes home.

What else? We are officially on a TTC break and we actually remembered to buy protection this month. I’m not going on birth control. In 2013, I tried getting on a continuous birth control so that I wouldn’t have to endure a period every month, and it was an epic fail. I ended up spotting all month long and STILL had a period every month. And had an awful headache, which I’ve always had from multiple types of birth control (I use to take it to control endometriosis). So we are just sticking to protection and I have to say that I’m already feeling much more at peace.

I feel like I was actually able to enjoy being together with my husband without fear. What a relief! I know that in the future, we are going to have to join this fight and try again, but for now, I’m enjoying my vacation. Maybe it’s an island of denial, but I’m happy in it for now.

I also feel like it’s easier to focus on my weight loss and paying off debt. When you aren’t consumed with fear of pregnancy and loss, you can actually focus on other goals. I’m also taking time to focus on my marriage.

And of course, my faith in Christ. I feel closer to God than I’ve ever felt before.

I realized that there are some serious issues in my heart and God is graciously revealing that to me and giving me the motivation and desire to change. You can put on a good show to the world and pretend everything is alright, but God knows the ugly parts of our hearts. And there is some ugliness in my heart that I honestly had no idea about until recently. It’s painful when God shows that to you, but I’m so glad that he humbled me gently so that I can be changed into who He wants me to be. Perhaps someday I’ll journal fully about this process and share the details of my struggles.

But for now, I’m enjoying this new season of my life. I’m not looking back at the past and I’m not longing for the future. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I can say that I’m honestly enjoying this moment in time. If I could describe this season of my life I would say it’s like the fall. Yes, I have a lot of work to do in my life right now, but it’s joyful laboring. Things are being made new all around me and I’m actually able to see the beauty in this current time in my life. Should I dare say, these are the glory days that I’ll someday look back on with a smile? I think so…

I hope you are all taking the time to enjoy your current season of life. I know that there might be painful events all around you, but I pray that you’ll choose to focus on the blessings instead of the struggles.

With love,

Amber

Why are people so crazy?

My blog has been private for a few weeks and I’m terribly sorry to anyone who has worried about me. I’m totally okay, first off. I needed to edit some parts of my blog for safety reasons after receiving an anti-police comment. I debated completely getting rid of my blog and YouTube channel but after talking with Jon I feel better about not running and hiding with fear.

I could write an entire blog post about the feelings I’m having regarding the anti-police agenda that’s sweeping through our nation, but I think it’s best I not.

Speaking of police, my husband interviewed for the detective position I was talking about last month and ….

…..

………

…………..

HE GOT IT!

He starts his new position in January and we are thrilled! I’m so proud of him and excited for this change in our lives! Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and prayers.

Right before his interview we had a stressful trip to the hospital to visit my grandmother. She had knee surgery the previous week and then started having some breathing problems. Thankfully she is out of the hospital now and all is well. Whew! It was scary to get that call from my mom.

My weight loss has sucked the two weeks thanks to the stress of traveling and going to the hospital, my husband’s interview, and being super busy with some church commitments I had. I’m looking forward to getting back on track. My stomach is in pain from the junk – I’m pretty sure there was some gluten cross contamination. It’s hard for me going out of town with Celiac disease even with a plan, but when it’s totally unplanned and dealing with stressful circumstances, it’s even more difficult to figure out what to eat.

What else? I actually get to be with my husband for Christmas Eve this year and later in the week we are going to visit my mom and grandma. It will be good to see my grandma out of the hospital.

Well for being busy lately, I sure don’t seem to have much to talk about on here right now. I’ll be back on Christmas to vent I’m sure. My period is due to start on, guess what day, Christmas. Of course! It started for Thanksgiving too. And Mother’s day. And my husband’s birthday. AF is really getting under my skin this year. There’s nothing like reminding you that you still don’t have a baby quite like AF on a holiday. Sigh!

I’d say here’s to hoping for a happy 2015, but I’m a little bit more bitter and annoyed this year than I was last year. If you are also bitter and SO OVER infertility, cheers to you (positive/hopeful people not welcome – just kidding, well kind of!) We can at least laugh through the cursing/crying/throwing a fit like a 2 year old at the 10 million pregnancy announcements over the holiday season :-)

Comment below if you’ve already witnessed pg announcements this season. I had two on Thanksgiving. Both at 4 weeks pregnant. Oh, to be that innocent of pregnancy loss :-/

Much love,

Amber