All my infertile girls know what I’m talking about with that title. Some (ahem, ME) might refer to this as the worst day of the year. And although I had an amazing spiritual experience last year on Mother’s Day, this day will always be hard. I have more thoughts to share, but first I wanted to share some of my blog posts from this time last year. I was reading through a few of them today and they were very encouraging to me as I face this day again – how quickly the time has seemed to pass. I hope that if you also read through a few of them, they will be encouraging to you and remind you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Hope to restore what has been lost – As I look back at this post, I know exactly what victory God was preparing me for: not for the miracle of a baby (at least not yet), but for the miracle of being able to worship God and know how deep and wide and high His love is for me, on the worst day of the year.
Thinking about the past – again with this blog post, the victory came through being able to worship God from my “house of poverty” on Mother’s Day. I was on my period and yet I was able to have the most incredible worship experience of my life with empty arms. It was a miracle to me to not only be able to attend Mother’s Day service in church, but to truly worship God with all my heart and soul and strength. It was absolutely a victory for my faith!
On the way to the cross – If you read nothing else from me today, please read this post!
Not so alone after all – THIS ONE TOO! It’s a post all about love and I really hope you’ll take the time to read it. It’s encouraging to me to read this now and reminding me that “love never fails”.
A revelation – A short post talking about how God opened my eyes to the grief of a family member
Today, I overcame – My first experience celebrating Mother’s Day as a loss mom
A year ago, Mother’s Day and the weeks leading up to that day, I learned some very important spiritual lessons. I’m thankful for this blog that I can go back and read through them again as I face another Mother’s Day with empty arms. It gives me hope and reminds me that with Jesus by my side, I can do all things, even rejoice with those who rejoice while I mourn.
I am still nervous for tomorrow’s church service, but I am hopeful that it will be just as amazing as last year’s worship experience and that I will feel loved and honored by my Heavenly father and my 5 beautiful babies in Heaven.
I wasn’t dreading this day quite the same way as last year and in fact, up until a few days ago, I actually didn’t give much thought to this holiday.
We decided to try to conceive this cycle. I shouldn’t say “try” though, but leave it in God’s hands. I read an encouraging blog post the night before my birthday about trusting God with your family planning/size even through loss and it gave me hope to not be fearful to try again. Even if God should give us another baby who is taken away too soon, I can still rejoice because they were created. This is the exact paragraph from the blog post that made my heart swell with joy:
“And then I began to consider the baby. Our baby. What purpose did this child’s short life serve? I thought about where the baby was now. Paul said to be absent from the body was to be present with the Lord. Could it be that there was one more soul around the Throne of God, worshiping the Lord because of our willingness to obey our heavenly father in giving up our rights to our fertility?”
I had been thinking about preventing pregnancy until I feel confident enough to try again. But that decision was based on my fear. So after reading this encouraging post about trusting God with your fertility (whether that means someone with a large family or someone like me who struggles with infertility and loss) I decided to talk with my husband to get his thoughts.
He said ever so simply, “Yes. We should trust God and leave it up to Him.”
I was glad we were on the same page. I’ve read before that it’s so important to consider your partners feelings when trying again after loss. If one partner isn’t ready, you just don’t go ahead with it. I remember there was once a time when I was ready to try again after a long time of waiting after our 3rd loss, and my husband wasn’t ready. He was afraid of losing me and another baby. Sometimes it’s hard to wait, but I think it’s so important to consider our spouses feelings. And I’m so thankful that Jonathan has always respected me and has waited for me on many occasions to be ready to try again. Even when he was wiling to trust God and take a leap of faith, he waited for me. We make a great team and I’m so thankful for him!
So we are officially done with the TTC break and we jumped off the boat to walk out to the water where Jesus is. Maybe we will fall, but we know that Jesus won’t let us drown. We can trust God in all circumstances. Even through the most heartbreaking experiences in my life, God has walked with me ever step of the way and I know I can face anything with my Savior to guide me and show me the right path to take. And maybe some people will call us foolish, but this is my belief:
“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” Jeremiah 17:7-8
So where are we now? Well…
My period is due to start later this week and there is a chance I might actually be pregnant.
And the other day, I’m not really sure what prompted me to do, but I decided to test with a dollar store pregnancy test. Like seriously, a $1 test. I don’t like wasting money on expensive tests anymore and I’m absolutely not going to waste a “good” test before my period is even late.
There was a faint second line. I mean, faint. But it was really early. My husband couldn’t see it though, but it’s gotten darker and I can definitely see it now. I cried and got really excited at first. But then the next morning, I took another test and I couldn’t see a second line. So then of course I put my guard up and I’ve been a little freaked out ever since. I decided not to keep testing because I can’t handle the emotions. And if I am pregnant, I want to be as stress free and calm as possible.
So I’m not testing again at least until after church service tomorrow. But I’m not sure I have the strength to find out on Mother’s Day. I mean, if it was positive, that would be amazing. But if the test is negative, I’m going to grieve. After seeing that second line, even as faint as it was, I realized how much I really, really want a baby. I think I’ve had my guard up for so long that I haven’t allowed myself to hope, and now that hope is back, I don’t want to say goodbye.
I kind of can’t believe my period is so close to Mother’s day again for a second year in a row. That certainly makes things interesting when you are waiting to see the results of your cycle. Now that my hopes are actually up thanks to that faint second line, I’m definitely feeling more emotional about going to service tomorrow. I really don’t want to test tomorrow and have my heart-broken on an already painful day, but at the same time, the waiting is really hard and if I am pregnant I need to get into my doctor asap.
I told my husband this morning when I woke up with a sore throat that things can never just be easy for me. And then I read in a blog post from last year where I wrote the same thing, “things can never just be easy.” But you know what, if they were easy I would depend on my own strength. When I’m in these impossible situations, I have to fully depend on the Lord for His strength to carry me through every trial. When I get through the trial, I always look back and clearly see His hand at work in every painful situation. I don’t know why I so easily forget God’s faithfulness in my life. But I think that’s why it’s so important to write about it so that you can remind yourself that God has never left you or forsaken you. I’ve not only survived every trial and obstacle I have faced, but I have thrived and overcome so many things. Sure, I still have a long road ahead of me to healing, but I can be proud of the things I’ve been able to accomplish so far and trust that Jesus will continue to be my helper through all things.
I know that tomorrow is going to be a hard day for me and for many of you in this community. I want you to know that I will be praying for you and thinking of all you. You are not alone in this journey through infertility and loss and I hope that you know that God sees you and I see you too. I’m stealing this prayer from my blog post from last year:
Dear friends that are feeling the weight of infertility and loss this weekend, I honor you. You are all mothers and you are all the most compassionate and loving people I have ever met, and I am truly blessed to know all of you. I love this community and the hearts that you all have. I know that your babies in Heaven look down at you and smile – you are strong, even when you don’t feel it. You selflessly love your children with all of your heart, because you risk everything to try to bring them into this world. Where others decide to spend money on themselves, you sacrifice month after month, with medical bills, and treatments, and adoption costs just because you have so much love in your heart to give. You should be honored for that love. That love you have is a gift from God, and someday, I just know it, you will be able to give that love to the children you bring home.
And while we wait for our arms to be full of the love we have for our children, I hope that for today, and for this moment in time, the love of this community we have together, and the love of God will be enough to fill you with peace in the waiting. Don’t let the evil one confuse you – you are deeply loved and you always will be.
My prayers are with each and every one of you,