For months, I have been searching for a rainbow in the sky. There has been plenty of rain and cloudy days, the perfect conditions for a rainbow, and yet, no rainbow. God knows how much joy it brings me to see a rainbow in the sky, thinking of our little ones in heaven and the children I hope He will someday give to us. It also makes me think of Him and how faithful Jesus has been to me. But, He usually makes me wait until just the perfect time to see a beautiful rainbow in the sky.
In 2015, it had been a while since I saw a rainbow, but I was always looking up, always hoping and waiting to see that beauty again. God made me wait, and it ended up being worth the wait. I was driving home from my best friend’s wedding shower. I was exhausted because I had been up all weekend long setting up for the shower and then early that morning, driving 4 hours to go to the shower, and then just the fun and excitement of the actual shower was tiring. It was time to drive 4 hours home and I ended up getting lost in Houston (my home town, but goodness I’m always getting lost in Houston). It was raining and I was very nervous to be driving. I was going over one of the very high overpasses that scares me every time and as I got to the top of it, in clear view was the most perfect rainbow covering the sky in full view. I was praying the entire time, but that rainbow was a sweet visual reminder, at the perfect timing, to let me know that God was with me and He is always faithful to His promises.
I’m just waiting and waiting to see when God is going to show me that sweet reminder of His faithfulness yet again. This is probably a strange thing to admit, but I think fellow loss moms will understand where I’m coming from. You look at life differently, even the sky differently. My faith in Jesus also fills me with wander as I look at creation and think of Him and praise Him for everything.
I could probably tell you 100 special little things that God has done for me in my life, and especially over the last 6 years of infertility and recurrent miscarriage. He is always showing up at just the perfect timing with exactly what I need. Sometimes to make me laugh. Sometimes to give me hope. Sometimes to comfort me and remind me to put my hope completely in Him. Sometimes it’s the perfect scripture at just the perfect time. Sometimes it’s the friend who calls when I’m feeling lonely. Sometimes it’s a small gesture, but it brings me joy all the same. Other times, it’s a big gift and I want to shout from the rooftops: I want everyone to know Jesus and His love!!! Well – I pretty much think that every day, but there are times when you have that really big mountaintop experience and it’s extra hard to keep your faith to yourself.
Like many of those special extra little gifts God has given to me, I wait with hope and expectation to see the beauty of the rainbow in the sky again. And I know, it will come at just the right time.
It is with the same confident hope and expectation that I pray and have faith this verse will someday be true for me as it has been for so many others before me: “He makes the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise the LORD.” Earlier this week, I was feeling down with the waiting of infertility. How long, oh Lord? Even with all my hope and faith, I was weary with the waiting. It’s hard to watch others move on over and over and over again and wonder, when will I have this pleasure? To think of your dreams and watch them fade away. I always wanted a really large family. 3 kids minimum! I wanted a busy, house full of laughter and chaos and so much love! The older I get, the more unlikely and unrealistic that dream seems. The clock is ticking, and apparently, God is not aware of my limitations or my timeframe.
But I’m reminded over and over again in scripture and in the lives of fellow brothers and sisters in Christ who have gone before me and testify to the Lord’s faithfulness, that nothing is impossible for God. Is anything too hard for the Lord? If you are feeling like it’s too hard for the Lord, sister, let me tell you, He will not forget me and He will not forget you!! He is working in the waiting and someday we will understand more clearly.
In a far, far greater sense than my wait for children, is my wait for eternal life where I will live with God forever in heaven. For me, belief in Jesus is far, far more than simply imagining that He is real or hoping that all of this faith is not in vain. I have complete and total confidence that Jesus Christ is alive – that He died in my place for my sins and rose from the grave to give me forgiveness for my sins, freedom from sin, and forever with God in heaven! It’s this hope that carries me through the hardest of times. It’s this hope and faith that I rest in knowing goodbye in this life, is not the end of the story. It’s this hope that fills me with SO much joy and peace every day. You wouldn’t think I had my 9th miscarriage in December with how much I smile every day, and laugh, and sing, and dance (but only Jesus gets to see that dancing – I have no rhythm).
A quick life update: I have not yet been back to the doctor for my recurrent pregnancy treatment. I was supposed to go last month at the beginning of February, but unfortunately, I had a family medical emergency that I went out of town for. I re-scheduled my appointment for April, but it looks like I might have to re-schedule again. It’s really hard to go into a lot of details about this, but, I’m in a place right now where I’m kind of “on call” so to speak, from week to week. I really feel like I don’t know what each day will bring and I’m just kind of keeping my phone close by, praying and waiting. This weekend I was in Houston, Friday-Tuesday, because my family member was in the hospital with pneumonia and I’ll be going out of town again next week to help my family. I’m hoping I won’t have to re-schedule my April appointment, but I just don’t know how to plan for anything right now. I really don’t want to discuss details about someone else’s health problems, but it’s a very hard time right now. The future looks a little uncertain and scary.
As I look to the unknown future and wonder what to expect I also look back to my past. God was faithful to carry me through 6 plus years (and counting) of infertility and 9 miscarriages, and He will be faithful to carry me and my family through this trial.
I have always believed that God has allowed me to go through recurrent miscarriages for specific purposes. One of my favorite scriptures is in Genesis and it’s from the story of Joseph who was sold into slavery by his brothers. His brothers were extremely jealous of him and hated him, even wanting to kill him. One brother shows him mercy and intends to go back to rescue him, but Joseph ends up sold to Egyptians as a slave. His poor father assumes he is dead. Long story short, Joseph is later reunited with his family and he not only plays a critical role in rescuing them from death (a famine) but also the entire land of Egypt. In one of my favorite verses, he tells his brothers: “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”
Who knows exactly what causes the trials and suffering we face in this life: sometimes our own sinfulness that sadly leads to horrible consequences, sometimes other people’s sins and we are innocent and pay the price for their actions, perhaps sometimes even Satan as we see in the case of the man, Job in the bible. Whatever was “intended to harm us” even if it was our own foolishness, God ultimately desires and intends to use for our good and the good of others.
So my update, in the midst of chaos, sadness, continued trials and storms (some literal – can it please stop raining so our fence repair can be complete!), great hope and joy, you’ll find me looking up in the sky, looking, watching, and waiting with hope for rainbows in the clouds, for our God is faithful to all His promises!
Love and peace to you all,
P.S. Sorry for yet another lengthy post. One of these days, I’ll blog on a regular basis and keep it short and sweet. Ha. Maybe. A girl can dream, can’t she?
P.S.S. Happy John 3:16 day!!! Woo! John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son so that whoever believes in Him, shall not perish but have eternal life.”
“I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth.” Genesis 9:13
“But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31