Hi friends, long time no talk! I’m so sorry about the lack of writing on my end here lately. I just really have not been in the mood to sit down and blog about my life. I’m doing okay, but there’s some not so pretty stuff that I’ve wanted to blog about, but wasn’t sure if I should.
I suppose, I haven’t felt like this is a safe place to share all of my feelings anymore – the good, the bad, and the ugly. It probably has to do with the fact that I’ve allowed this blog to be a public space where I share very openly about who I am and the details of my life. Anyone who knows me could easily find this page.
Now that I’ve started to make videos on YouTube as well, I’ve opened myself up to even more criticism and vulnerability. I’ve already had two comments on my YouTube page that said, “Why don’t you just adopt?”
As much as I want to share my journey and be totally open with the world about this struggle, it is hard to feel like people are judging your every move. Instead of this being a sanctuary where I feel comfortable sharing the worst moments of my life, I’m now starting to feel anxious about how some people will respond to my decisions.
And even within the infertility and miscarriage community, I’ve started to not feel safe sharing the details of our TTC journey.
Let me explain:
I am not comfortable with fertility treatments. It’s a personal decision that I made a long time ago and have reevaluated time and time again, praying and talking with my husband. I have many reasons for why I’m not comfortable with the treatments, but none of them I feel like explaining because it’s my own business between me, my husband, and the Lord. Just as your decision to use or not use fertility treatments are between you, your husband, and the Lord.
But I sometimes can’t help but to feel that people are making assumptions about me. I wonder if people assume that I’ve never done a shred of research on the topic of recurrent miscarriage. I wonder if people think I could change my situation by just seeing a doctor. I wonder if people judge me for not seeking treatment and not “taking control of my fertility.”
If I seem disinterested in changing my circumstances, it’s only because I did everything I could in the past and it was completely out of my control. And now, I’m just tired. I don’t know what God’s plans are for my life. I don’t know when He will give us our children but I believe, even when I don’t feel Him moving, that He is working to redeem all that has been lost and that He will not let one single ounce of this painful journey go to waste.
Some of you are on top of your game and you have your RE on speed dial and you are taking control of your fertility and working hard to get a baby. That is great and I 100% support you and pray that you will be successful. But please, don’t judge me because I don’t have the energy or desire to do the same things.
I know my limitations – and that just happens to be one of them. I know my husband’s limitations – and I know that fertility treatments would hurt our marriage deeply. I know that we have already had so much stacked up against our marriage, and even if having children takes longer, it is worth it to me to put my husband and the sanctity of our marriage first.
As much as I want to have children and as strong as I desire to help make that happen, I feel the most comfortable taking care of myself by eating healthier, working out, and trying to find happiness in my life apart from infertility. I believe that God is faithful and if I continue to believe and put my hope in Him, He will grant me the desires of my heart.
I know that makes some of you cringe and you think I should go try “xyz”. But you know what, what if I spend thousands of dollars and I invest all of myself into treatments only to end up with empty arms at the end of the journey and a heart that gets more and more weary by the day?
It’s not worth it to me to destroy myself with this journey. It’s hard enough just living through this without all of the added stress of seeing a doctor all the time and getting bills in the mail left and right. I believe that the very same God who healed the barren women in the bible and throughout history, can heal me today. And I believe that God who healed me once of a painful disease, can heal me again. He is faithful, and He will do it!
While I have faith in God’s plans for my life and believe that He is always for me and working in ways that are unseen that will someday make me leap with joy, I still struggle with living through this pain. It’s been over three years now since our first miscarriage and the pain has definitely been easier to deal with the passing of time. I don’t feel as impatient now as I once did. I don’t feel consumed by my desire to have a baby day in and day out. But there are times, usually about once a month when I’m getting hormonal and hopeful, that this journey weighs heavily on my heart.
It’s in those times that my feelings are ugly. I feel bitter, jealous, sad, angry, and sometimes even hopeless.
It’s in those times when I beg God to end my suffering and I question Him “Why? Do you hear the breaking of my heart all over again, my Lord? Do you cry with me?”
And some of you might question my faith and wonder if I’m doubting God.
But look at Jesus as He agonized in the garden before His death:
“Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death, Stay here and keep watch with me.” Going a little father, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”
Jesus prayed that prayer three times. Jesus never denied the reality of His feelings. He described the agony of the suffering that was going to come upon Him by saying, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.”
Again, as Jesus was on the cross, dying for our sins so that we may live, He cried out, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani? – which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
Jesus is the perfect example of what I like to call, “Faith not Feelings”. My feelings might be terrified, I might be afraid for what is to come, but my faith pushes me forward and gives me strength to endure and move beyond my feelings.
When the negative pregnancy test comes and it aches just to get up for church in the morning and my heart breaks for the children I long to hold throughout worship, I praise my Father in Heaven who is worthy to be praised because of my faith, not my feelings. When every couple in our lifegroup has children but us, I continue to go and fellowship because of my faith, not my feelings.
Faith is not the absence of feelings, but rather, the action to move regardless of how you feel.
Jonathan gave me the perfect example the other day when we were talking about Christians who are persecuted throughout the world for their faith. I asked him how he thought I would respond if I were ever facing death or intense persecution for my faith. He said that he doesn’t think that I would deny Jesus, but that I would probably be very scared.
But then he said, “I get scared in my job sometimes when I’m going to a dangerous call, but I do the right thing anyways.”
And that’s how faith is. Whether you are going through the trials of infertility and miscarriage, or facing intense persecution for believing in Jesus, you act and you move regardless of how you feel. You do what is right, even when all you want to do is run and hide.
You believe and you put your hope in God, even when circumstances scream at you to give up. You believe in the impossible and you trust in God’s plans for the world, because of faith. And even if that faith is little and not very strong, Jesus says, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”
In the moments when I’ve felt at my worst and the weakest, I’ve connected with God and felt His presence there with me like never before. It’s in those moments when my feelings are ugly and dark, where His grace resides the most. When I am weak, He is strong. When I am faithless, He is faithful. When I am broken, He is the Healer!
It’s in those moments that other people would look at me and despise me, that God looks at me and loves the unlovable. In the worst moments of my life, I see just how much God really does love me, enough to die for me “while I was yet a sinner.” And when I forget that I have been made new, when I forget that my life has been bought with the precious blood of Christ, when I forget that I am righteous because of who Jesus is and not for what I do, that is when His grace abounds and He reminds me, “You are my daughter, I love you.”
And so my hope is that, this will feel like a safe place to share my struggles again. My hope is that you won’t judge me for what I do or what I believe, but that you will journey with me through this battlefield and that we will all be a little more supportive and loving, even if we don’t all agree on certain things.
For there are people outside of this community that can never truly understand just how painful it is to live through infertility and recurrent miscarriage. But in this community, we can give each other what the outside world often tries to deny us, a safe place to share our voices and our hearts as we long for children to fill our homes and our hearts.
Oh yeah, and because I got a little side tracked, I forgot to share what I’ve been up to lately! Oops! A little quick update: We did decide to try to conceive this month, ending our TTC break and taking a leap of faith. I’m 5 days late, but have had BFN’s every single day. I’m pretty sure I ovulated a week later than I was supposed to so I’m thinking that’s why my period is late. But this sure is frustrating. My diet is also not going so well this week because I’ve been enjoying some “comfort foods”. I’ll get back on the horse when I’m feeling better! What else? I started a new job – it’s just a part time gig, about an hour a day. I’m working with my friend who started her own pet sitting business last year. My clients are very loving and sweet :-) The only problem, when I come home, my two fur babies, Elmo and Maxi are not pleased with the smell of other animals. They are needing extra attention and playtime now to make up for me “seeing other animals”. Thank God for animals – they are just the best!
I have more to share, but I’ll talk about that all tomorrow. I appreciate all of your love, prayers, and support and I thank you in advance for understanding where I’m coming from with my “vent” today.
May the Lord Jesus be with each and every one of you,